Feathers made from blood

There is only that moon. A love to lie still for. A mother and a guide. There is only that way in which my body will follow. A path in the dark. There is only the familiar shape. Ever folding and unfolding to tell the time of journey. I struggle with my lack of full appreciation for Her. What more can I give as sacrifice? My body is yours. My soul you keep. My heart and mind you control. I am but a tool in your lovely workings. Desire? What would I know of fire? The world will end in ice. Balance? You keep me tilting on my scale for strength. Love... There is no love, there is music. Play please, my rhythm, my strings, my brass, and my wind. I will enjoy the chorus of your light for eturnity. Give only what you can. I will be grateful. I am in your hands and on your mouth. Whisper but a kiss and poison me into sleep. I bleed from my eyes and choke on you. My breath is but fog but my voice is a ring in darkness. The bird flys and black feathers are worn in remembrance as the clock ticks the Witching Hour...

I dream of you too...

Melody...

love song

Love when you sing for me.

FISH So I can find you, when I hand you a bat.

The Olive waits for the drink...

I wake and you're still on my mind. Still haunting me. Still trying but I refuse you. Has it been long enough? I don't know if you're ready for me. Your passion in us is kind but it feels like double ended swords. Still softly, still sweetly you miss me. I want you in my arms again. I want your eyes on mine. I miss the energy. I miss the laughter. Why am I here to write this? Have I moved you from my other blog to a deeper place? A place forgotten? Maybe I'm pushing past you but my hand is still there. I've made notes in my space about you because I can't stop thinking of you. But now dreams get me. They always do. I wake only to crave your voice. How lame for me to watch you sing from the comfort of your YouTube videos? Some made for me. You don't fade from my mind. Your muscular body, long and agile. Those pools of water that pierce me deep, light browns and gold frame your face when you care to let it down. You tower over me yet I feel protected. Your voice I miss. A deep joyous laughter. I really have moved you haven't I? Maybe my other blog was so full of you and my constant debate on having ÿøü in my life again that I needed to move you here. Do you know about either? Can you read my thoughts about you? See my words of frustration? Maybe you're blind to my Tumblr but you might know about this space. Maybe you'll read this and a awake of my inner battle? I'm frustrated. I listen to you sing and I hear my song with my body. I know you won't make me promises but I can't give in. I want you for myself and this moment is not right. I can't let you in. It hasn't been that long has it? December? 6 months? That's nothing! But I miss walking with you near the water. Every touch made undercover it seemed. I miss the time it took to say goodbye. I truly cannot stop thinking of you!! I'm insane. I thought I found the key but I was wrong. I must wait. There is something I must do. Something more than just hiding you here. Hiding you with the other lost memories that I've moved on from. Am I moving on from you? No. I just need to vent. ... I miss you. I do care. I do think about you. I won't give up but I need to think it through. To answer all your questions in my safety. Soon. I hope I will be watching you sing to me and having your eyes stab me passionately while you are. I will swim with you. We will be water again together. My FISH... Your Olive misses you...

You haunt me. Softly. Sweetly. With unrequited passion. I'm caught in you and I won't forget.

I can't stop thinking about you...

Dive into me

Took long enough

In all reality it will be good for you to get over me...

Moon, my moon.

Goddess, our Goddess.

Night, this night.

Give me the strength for the dawn.

Only time.

Fluttering heart.

Challenge daemons.

Fight with spirit.

Scour the world, settle for nothing.

The train's horn blows.

Distance drains.

Substance irrelevant.

Love... Hold hate's hand.

Ease down.

Be grateful.

Out, in, out, in...

Remember to breathe.

Sunlight breaks, fog is seen.

Time, only ever time.

Enemy, friend.

Death already known.

Feel soul compensate.

I hear ringing.

Thump, thump.

Blood.

The only thing I like about packing up my life is what I can shed from a move. Things I've gathered that at one point I loved, I can toss or give away now. I try not to hold on to much. Things that make me comfortable. Everything else is just extra. I think I'll notice a change for the better cleaning out my storage unit this time around. I look at my stuff and see that my life has changed so much. Keeping little and saving the memories I can see my growth into adulthood by what I've last stored. I must only take what I really need with me this time. Again what do I need in my life to finally find the right pace?

I can wake to the smell of bleached sheets and feel far from home. The weight of heavy sheets and thick pillows keep me company. I can open my eyes in the darkened room and have just enough peace to last me until my brain remembers....

Remembers the pain in my body. The hurt from getting angry. The need to do it. To prove that point. To be real again. A state in which I am out of my own body and looking down at myself. I can't be the one to do it. I can't be the one to hurt another. No matter the unfairness of it all I shouldn't have to be mean.

The line snaps and I'm floating out of myself...

How long since I've done that?

How wise of a choice was it?

Will I regret those actions later?

I need to be real! I need to be seen!!! I need.... I never ask or want what I really need. I deal and pour myself into the hurt of others. I care more for you then I do myself. You know it as much as I do so why do you let it happen? Why will you let me reach this point?

Can you give? Can you give just something? A smile, a laugh, a glimmer of hope that when I look into your soul I find you in there waiting to get out?

No....

So I shut down, and turn on again. But the light that turns on gold now shines red and I'm dead to you too. Look in my eyes and see my soul has left. The body lives and breathes. The heart beats and the brain works but my actions are not my own.

Soon I'm lashing at you, teeth bared, hoping from above you see this is not me but maybe you'll react. You don't. I take it further.... then its dark.

The house smells of pinesol and I'm holding a mop. It's cleaner then I've ever seen it and just as empty. I'm happy about it. There in that moment when I come back I find some happiness in my part of the world. My home is mine again. Where did I leave off? The door is open to the setting sun and the air is warm. If it's open I'm almost done. Cleaning my home, ridding my life of trash...

I took it back? Did you upset me that much that I forced you to leave? Am I me again yet? I still hurt, scrunching my shoulders I feel the back ache. I know deep down I'm sorry. I know my energy is dimmed just a little from what I've done. Breathe deep the clean.

Sage....

My home will be mine again. In time it will feel like I never left and the rest will be a memory of trying. I'll paint like I did before. I miss the burnt trees I covered up. I miss the intense colors and the music all around me. It will be mine again but I wont allow anything more then that in.

For now.

I dip the mop and it all goes dark.

I get where I need to be. A place to myself with no lingering. My time. A little fun, a little update and post and then I let the world out. I turn it off. Life will be dead to me as I know it. No I don't want to know what the world is doing outside of my sanctuary. I don't want to answer you or your text or calls. I don't care who "you" are I'm not listening! I'm not listening to any of "you" for now. I need to be real again! Hear myself.

I smell whiskey. There on the table I've been poured a shot. I look at it. The fire of it. The desire to actually take it is unnerving. Since when do I want the amber liquid? Since when do I need to allow the buzz to take over? I'm stronger then that. I must have known I wasn't going anywhere, that this place would be my shelter and I was safe. The whiskey is smooth going down. I burn gracefully. I sizzle like hot cinnamon. Waiting I feel my body weaken. I feel the ease and for once can forget the weight in which I carry. The trouble in which I've caused. I wont get drunk. I have no need for that. I have no desire. I just need a little help in letting the other side go. I melt deep into myself and smile as I allow my brain to turn off yet once more.

When I open my eyes my neck is killing me. I'm starving. The room is dark but I can see it is day outside. I feel relaxed besides the pain. The bathroom light is blinding but when I can see I am covered in marks. Hand marks, scratches and bites? Are those bites? Maybe lines from the sheets and deep sleep. Whatever the case I've slept. I think. I've needed the time to myself. I've needed a chance to let go of it all and find myself.

My phone is in the room. Face up it calls for me to pick it up and look at it. It's off. It will stay off. I'll deal with the world later.

Find yourself, be real, be you. There is nothing more important than this day...

....

I took my time this weekend. I just now looked at my phone. I blew up this weekend apparently. Missed a few things and have some things coming up. I didn't want to turn my life back on. I didn't want to have the chance to think back. To go through all over what I try to avoid. I only cause myself more pain when I think. I wanted to linger in the physical pain. I wanted to hear the ringing in my ears and only that. Not the many voices or my own thoughts.

It says 27 missed calls and missed voices in my ear. I'm not going to look, I'm ok with that I guess. If it was important they will call back.

I'm not sorry I missed it. I'm sorry I did at the same time. If I had answered it wouldn't have really been me anyway. It would have been soulless and searching for peace me... I have too much to deal with right now to think straight. To get what I want. To deserve better. I have too much, much too much. I haven't thought about it. I've been out of touch with myself for way too long. I need me first. It isn't you. It's me. I need to think.

The true ones will be there... They wont give up on me.

I need this. I'm still tired from it all. I carry too much. I always have. I'm sleepy but my mind is here. I needed to get lost. Do you understand the risk in which I take doing that? I'm not unhappy but I'm not allowing myself the full joys of life. I worry for you all. I want to carry weight for you so you will walk freely. I suddenly see most of you will never help me do the same. But I wont let you go, any of you, I'll still be me and that's what I do.

Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for...

The chatter is starting to get louder. The things that must be done are calling me. I'll get by. One by one I'll figure it out. My actions will speak louder then words. Help me make my actions more fair in the end. To step in the right areas in which there wont be a mine sitting just below the surface. I want to walk freely not step lightly.

It will come to pass when I must choose who deserves to be in my life for once...

Do you?

Prove it...

Do what it takes to show me you're worth it.

Please... I've never asked this of you.

Don't forget.... I deserve it too...

Rappeler

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles...

Lazy day....

God damn it! Why does the rain and lack of snow make it so depressing out? I love the rain but I need a winter activity again! Please snow, or just be summer. Either one, just not this....

Bear Paw Shoot

On March 11th I got a call from a friend's mom who does events. It was at 10 in the morning and I answered thinking in was a friend calling about snow boarding... My groggy voice was a throw back for her I'm sure.

Kelsey? Are you sleeping? This is Denise, Brian's mom! Are you in town or LA? Or where are you?

Denise? I'm sleeping, in town. Why?

I have a last minute event I need covered, a model dropped out and I know you're good and hoping you had time...

I ended up saying no to the first day shooting to hit the slopes (not a good idea with a storm coming in and the windy knocking me on my ass all day). I ended up saying yes to the day after and had the urge to cancel when I found out it would be at 8 am. I would be getting off work at 4 am... This would mean if I could get showered and cleaned I could sleep 3.5 hours... I got maybe that. I went to the Embassy where the group was meeting and was on time and.... maybe..... shouldn't have been.

I had met the guys from Bear Paw Shoes before. They were up late last year for a fashion show for the winter line. They are like Ugg boots but better and have a longer backing to the name. The guys I met were in the least nice and totally perverted. So when Denise said it would be for Bear Paw I was a little turned off but know how to handle myself at a shoot. Thank God it wasn't the Sacramento group. This was the actual creator, head marketer, all the PA's, hair, MUAs, wardrobe, etc. We had drivers and everything on a "tab"...

When I got there, however, I walked into the conference room and saw a disaster! The room was a mess. There were 6 huge boxes of shoes tossed everywhere and food all over the board meeting table. I noticed a bottle of crown in the corner too. I wasn't surprised to see everyone hungover when walking in. The MUA was even sleeping on the floor of the room and was almost stepped on! Talk about professional.

I asked about breakfast on the table and they said it had been from the last threedays! So leave it to me to be the one to go to the front desk to have people remove the old food. I don't care if your excuse is "too busy to clean or call" you do it. YUCK! I didn't understand how all these people could act like this. I mean getting wasted and being messy and not ready and they had been flown up from LA? It gets worse!

I was sitting there waiting to see when we were going to get started and Mike "the boss" came in and said the photographer was sick. He actually really was with a flu and ended up not joining us that day. However Mike asked if I....I.....me....could find him a new photographer. So there I was calling anyone and everyone I knew in a 20 mile radius so we could shoot soon.

Then the other model walks in and she has a fucking black eye! She was punched out at the Sublime concert the night before! So the MUA is freaking out on her and she's freaking out too because she agent booked her in Miami in two days! That eye was only going to get worse, believe me.... By the time we had anything planned and Sandra and Josh called me back to shoot it had been 3 hours!!! I could have been sleeping!!! FUCK! Then I had my make up done and I did my own hair and brought wardrobe and props as well. Oh yah I was going to be asking about my paycheck....

When we got to Sugar Pine Point on North Shore to shoot and the Mansions it was warm and we had tables set up in the sun. At that point we began working, or I guess I did. Helping Sandra and Josh unload and get lighting set up, helped wardrobe set up got people drinks and breakfast bars and was doing more work then most of the PA's standing around taking pictures of the lake on their phones.... Ug.... I have this annoying habit of doing things when I don't need to because if not it doesn't seem to get done as fast enough as it should. My bad I guess.

We ened up shooting in a few locations. Danielle was the true

almost annoying model with the poses down but the lack of energy in the shoot. Jesse was awesome! She and I had a blast, actually talking about a lesbian bartender that was into me in Sac (we did a photo shoot together for a body painting event at District 30) and then moved to LA a few months ago and asked her out last week! Thanks Facebook for the "mutual friends" option. Leads to great conversation! But Jess was also upbeat and thankful that I was able to "deal" with everyone being grumpy and hungover. I can't let things like that bother me in the long run. Easy to just smile at everyone hoping it cheers them up.

So the locations were beautiful and Sandra and Josh (who I forgot to mention did my last boudo

ir shoot) were amazingly helpful in showing up last minute. We got so mu

ch done with two people and we had 70 boots to shoot! Mike had the understanding from my modeling shots that I was going to enjoy, black, leather, studs, buckles and rock styles... I can't wait to see these pics!!! I was given every black or dark boot with so many styles I'd actually enjoy modeling.

I'm not going to lie it might have been sunny but it was SO cold! Standing in the shade for better shots too was the worst! I ended up jumping around off rocks for my pics. Things to keep me warm and make Sandra crack up! She and I feed the fire for dirty jokes! It's wonderful to work with her. I never feel uncomfortable with her or Josh. Sandra will be the first to comment that she "never has to ask me to get into the pose she is looking for or the area she looking to catch" I just understand where she wants something to look perfect. With Josh I enjoy his support when he shoots. He does the same thing Sandra does but in his own way. Telling me he is looking for smiles and natural and that I fall into easily. I had a shy moment when the creator of Bear Paw saw me jumping off rocks and running on the beach. I thought he would have told me to stop but he simply said "so you're the FUN one! That's just what we needed!" That fills me more then anything when someone can say something other then you're pretty, beautiful, hot, sexy, etc. Where someone can see past that and notice my inner nerd and laughter. Where that would work better then being just a pretty face.

We got our orders taken for deli subs at a place nearby. I was a little bummed we didn't go to John's Deli first if I had known we were getting lunch. But man these sammies were good and HUGE!!! CRAPOLA HUGE! We took turns eating in between shots and locations. The MUA was still being annoying with her hangover. Telling us not to talk about some foods because she was going to puke. Suck it up lady. Drives me nuts.... Man up a little....

By the end of the day we were rushing and I had no idea why. Turns out they had to catch a plane at 8 in Reno and it was 530 and we had to drive back to South Lake, pack, return the cars and get on a plane. Well them not me. So rushing back we got to the Embassy and everyone was running around like crazy.

Pulling stuff out of cars, putting things back in, packing and sorting. I was worried I was going to lose a few of my favorite jackets if I wasn't careful. Then the creator looks at me and says:

Well we don't have room to take the boots with us. Go for it kid.

Go for what?

Take anything that fits....

WHAT?!

Well yah you helped us a lot today and I'm sure the pay isn't enough so take what you want and whatever you want that doesn't fit call me and I'll get you your size.... (as he hands me his card...)

Don't get me wrong diving into 6 boxes of $100 boots is exciting but I'm not a taker. It took the creator emptying a box and holding up boots asking if I liked them or not. When I said yes...but.... he would drop them in the box and hold up another pair. This went on until my box was full of boots for me and friends and people I might meet that wanted some. Over 20 pairs later I had the 6 I wanted and the rest were just "whatever" boots. Cool right? I think I'm still in shock even wearing my Bear Paw slippers right now.

The only bummer to this day was when I was done I had to drive home, change and be back to work in 25 minutes. I ended up working till 3 Am and the Bear Paw group left with my purse in the car. I had to pick it up later that night on my way home. Ug. But man what a fun day!!!! I'm so thankful for the randomness my life brings. The days where I think I wont be busy and I can enjoy sleeping I'm tossed into another adventure.

Bear Paw even mentioned coming back for the next line and using me again. When they said that I asked where the photos were going and was shocked when Mike said everywhere....

Website, Facebook, Catalog, and then into the local stores and Jesse even had one of her shots blown up in LA to a billboard. WOW wouldn't that be crazy cool?!!! I'm so excited to see where these pics go!! Will keep you informed.

Misunderstood

I love to think people understand who I am, more so I really hope they do. It makes life easier for me when I don't have to explain myself and why I go about the things I do. But they don't, most of the time. I'm bringing this up because it's been a topic of conversation for a few days now.

...More so I wish my family understood me. Recently I had an ex come into my life via friendship telephone. The word of mouth tree in a small town. It was no more then a "he's in town, how do you feel about that?" Well to be honest I've been over the lover of 5 years for a long time. Over him before he met his future wife and before he was even close to being over me. Two and a half years after we broke up and he could admit he still wasn't over me and I was long gone in love with someone else. Actually at the time I was hurting over love. A lost love.

My family gets to listen to local banter. They hear an ex of mine is in town and I get to hear about it. As if I didn't know. I always know. I knew when he bought plane tickets last year for this trip. Only because others feel the need to keep me "up to date" as they say. I could care less. My family hears about it and it goes on to be a giant thing about how my exs might be, who they are after years of not seeing them, how I feel about them now, etc.

Let me tell you this. I wish my exs well. Really. I can't say anymore then that. If it wasn't my first love I get to hear about, it becomes my second more important love. After that dies down it's my more recent ex I get to talk about. The one that made the impact on me. All different and all very much my exs. For a reason.

Did I love them, yes. Did I love them well. Absolutely. Did I do well by them? That is the more important question.

Zane was the one until he wasn't. Easy enough said. 5 years of loving one person unconditionally and yet I needed to always do more and be more and be stronger when his life was falling apart. When we broke up it was hard. I was hurt and I felt life would never be the same. In the end I found it to be a matter of his own personal problems with his depression and really had nothing to do with me at all. I made the choice to get out and I stayed out. It was a long time after that he told me he was still in love with me. My image of him and who I'd fallen in love with was gone. Easy enough to be his friend. Not for him though. I couldn't continue to be in his life for his sake.

When meeting his future wife I was thrilled to be introduced. She was not. A battle over how I felt (or didn't feel) about him became an issue. I felt nothing but friendship for him. But because he wanted to hang out with me a lot and have me in his life that didn't go over so well with her. It wasn't me not being over him, it was her knowing he wasn't over me. I disappeared and haven't spoken, seen or been in contact with him for 3 years. For him really. He isn't "allowed" to have much contact with people from his old life. Very sad for me because loving someone at a point in life just doesn't go away. I will love them for who they are even if it takes years to forgive them or be forgiven. Me not speaking to him was because of his future wife. Her insecurities were too much for me to handle. Not just me but all of his friends. It's very sad to see an ex get married, promise you you'll be at the wedding because he knows you'll be the happiest for him, and not be invited because of the wife. It hurts to know the wife would get married in a place where she knew none of the friends could afford to go. We all missed out. We all miss our friend. Friend being the key word. So when he was in town I got to hear about him. He's not who he was, and I don't think he will ever be the same again. I hope he is happy. I wonder how he feels about some of the things he's done in his life since meeting her? His move to Texas, his marriage with lack of a "party on the grooms side" and his current situation never seeing his own family or friends and from what I hear being submissive to every "thing" that is his wife.

He loved me once, didn't forgotten how to, and saw what he lost at some point with me. But I wished him well on his journey. I still do. Him being in town and me knowing made it hard. Making the choice to not attend the parties or dinners because I want him to be happy was harder. Having his family tell me it will never be the same without me in their lifes now was heart breaking enough. I love him as only I can love a man who was a friend before a lover, and a lover before he lost himself. I can only love as a friend, as a past, and as someone who will willingly forget where the future could have lead with me in his life. I wont interrupt his choice and her hatred for me because of her insecurities. I will wish Zane only the best. I hope he can move in love and grow in love and be the man he was as I knew him, for her. He has so much potential and maybe one day I'll be able to have a friend back in my life that was at one point so important to me.

This subject brought up more of my past then I care to deal with. My family loves to talk about my exs. If not Zane, then it's Nicole, if not Nicole it's Fox. I guess it's because I'm not out looking for anyone new. Like I need to be jumping into something new? Or dating right away? Do they expect me to ignore my body and it's feelings and just waste someone's time when I don't feel for them? No, I feel me being me is enough and how I handle my relationships should be respected.

I make choices in life that maybe friends or family don't understand. I have them for a reason. Reasons change according to the subject at hand. With exs it's pretty much almost a given. I choose to let go. I choose to ignore and find a space in my life that is mine. Not a town or a house or a spot... a location is not what I mean. I mean to find a piece in my brain and soul that belongs to me again. I share too much energy to ever really be alone and it takes time for me to shed others that have touched my life. Zane might be a very distant past in which I can look back on fondly if I forget the last few months we were together or the time after we parted. His energy took awhile to get rid of but it was 5 years worth. But now I just have memories... I have the time until I met Nicole.

Nicole was a different story altogether. A different feeling and energy, a different being and soul, a different sound wave in my musical world. We connected unlike anyone I've ever known to connect. I've seen love, I've felt love but this was more. This was the universe blessing both our lives with each other. It could be me feeling this one sided but I doubt it.

There is a moment when I find love and have to have it. An energy that passes through my being unlike anything I've felt before. It's at moments unknown and it doesn't take anything for it to happen. Just a glance in the right direction. I feel like the best way to closely relate to this would be when Jake from the novel "Twilight" (I hate that I'm doing this) explanes imprinting. It becomes your world, there is nothing else. Zane was a distant glance and a fire within that screamed "you will have him." And I did. He was across the football field at the high school when I saw him under a tree alone. I can remember what he was wearing and how I'd never felt a need to be close to someone so badly. I laughed and loved and learned and lost. He was my moment in that time. I tried after to feel, to ignite something with every potential person, man or woman, I met. I forced it. It never does any good. I need the time alone to find myself and become me before I offer the right energy to someone else. I can't jump from one person to the next, or not be alone. Unlike others I can be ok with remembering who I am. I came to a point where I had even chosen to move to an island to be back with Zane after we broke up, thinking the feeling wouldn't go away, when I saw her.

Nicole was an impression from the start. Sure I'd seen her before but it wasn't anything more then a simple gut crush that I knew I couldn't have. Like a ride you're too short to go on at the board walk, you just have to wait it out. HAHA, wow great explanation... So I gave it up, I gave her up. When I walked into the theatre at the high school 6 years later and saw her again, time didn't exist. Time was something you knew about from books but really it was never there. Irrelevant. It was different then my tug towards Zane. It was a will or a want... it was a need, a demand and a life support.

How could I ignore that and still move away? Not sure. Silly on my part really but maybe it was for the best. I moved to be with Zane. I left that feeling, that mind blurring feeling to be with what was comfortable. I knew when I thought about her, me being with someone else, that I couldn't keep it up. I moved home and there it was. A love worth trying for. I tired, I gave every thing in my being. My soul and energy passed freely unlike anything I've given to another before. There wasn't a moment when I felt I lived in a tunnel and at the end was Nicole. I'm sure maybe at some point I felt that for Zane. Maybe a need to hold on because he was my first, but comparing it's never the same.

Did I think about Zane? Yes. But only with the fondness I hadn't felt sine I met Nicole. I had tried to be with others, so it would never be the same again with him no matter how I might have tired to make it that way... I missed his friendship like I do most people that leave my life but I had someone more important to focus my effort on. It was then Zane wasn't in my universe anymore. I can remember when he was. I remember the pure desire to have him around and want nothing more then his attention. It became a crutch. I think after some time he began to make me feel I wasn't much without him. Forced me to put all the effort into the relationship because he couldn't. His hurt over his own life took hold. I missed when it was only laughs and butterflies of a first love. Where everything is so new and you'll never really have those first moments again. True you can be with someone new but you never get your "firsts" back...

Nicole became my sun. I think at that time I felt that love couldn't get any better then her. A love with romance and surprises. A love with support and little demand. Comfort and understanding. It was a love with ease, and did we argue? No, maybe, but never hurtful just misunderstanding that was soon worked out through.... communication. God forbid we know what that is like. We pushed each other to be better in all we did. It was like water. A dance of liquid really. We flowed... Most of all desire. I wonder if need might be a better word. Or want. Or eternity. I swear with everything that I might ever come to lose one day that not a day went by I didn't believe I had eternity at my fingertips. When she was at them... I know the month, the day, the year, the basic time, the place, every smell and sound at the moment that that had changed... Odd? Not really, but that's coming from me... I think most people can remember a turning point in time. I think people call it a "place of regret"... I don't regret, I just know when my world was on a different tilt.

I've been ok with a lot in my life. I take a lot and deal with a lot. Back and forth, mixed feelings, changes and small paths taken off the main road. I've dealt with emotional hurt, physical hurt, I've been spit on (literally) and yet I still stand here offering love. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love and hurt when love is lost for a long time. I take a lot of time being hurt and coming to understand it before I can move on. I still hurt from Fox. Only because there isn't a day when we weren't still maybe together? I tend to need someone to say it's over, I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, or be with someone else for me to know it's over. Sometimes that doesn't even feel like enough...

The Fox thing is still fresh. I mean a constant trying to understand where we are in each other's life's still goes on. I know we broke up but there is always that back and forth thing. We lived together, leased a house together, had bills together, insurance plans together, bank accounts together, and most of all Gibson together. It's hard to let all that go. I understand he is almost a replay of my relationship with Zane. He hurts because his own life isn't leading up to where he wants it to be. He takes it out on me and I stick around through the abuse because I don't give up on people. I want to be what makes someone happy. I hear randomly how he loves me still and I'm his only one. Then the next moment he's angry and hurt. I feel so bad for him and I put myself through hurt to try and be there. I know I'm like a type of beaten wife coming back for more. My emotional abuse is making me raw... Fox is a constant topic. Nothing new or to be weirded out about. It's hard living in the same town. I think it freaks him out knowing I'm moving. I know we planned on doing it together but I can't be held back much more. LA would have so much for him and for myself but if I need to continue to be me I might just need to go alone.

I think what bothers me about most topics of my exs are when other people randomly bring them up. I mean at the store or in passing. Every place where they thought about us together in that place at some point. Or even as randomly as the car wash. The Zane thing stopped after Fox. Finally after so long! That was a load off. It's nice to not think about him until he's brought up. He's not a figment in my mind ever unless placed there. I think because when I moved home and he was here we tried to be friend, and that didn't go so well. When I met Fox people knew, if they hadn't with Nicole already, that I was over him.

But really a few times a month someone brings up Nicole... Yah it's a lot... I make the choice not to be in the subject of her. I've closed that part of my life like I closed it with Zane. Maybe in a different way but none the less. I went through it with Zane but I think after Nicole it was a love everyone else could see. Maybe that's the case. Maybe it's frustrating to me to have it brought up because it was so noticeable to everyone else. Do fairy tales really happen? Do they fade? Will I finally be free of "you guys were perfect together!" "why don't you get back together?" "I always thought no matter what you were soul mates..." and lastly, the most loving and hurtful... "I could just see you having a family together, your kids...." that last one was recent. It actually kicked me back a few steps. Sure people thought Zane and I would have beautiful kids and I still get asked about if I'm actually with Fox or not and how cute we both are and comments about kids or marrige. But hearing it about Nicole that way tosses my elephant brain back. Back to a dream of a white house, a white room, a white bed, the smell of coffee and the laughter of children... Amazing how 6 years ago a dream I had could surface so quickly.

I ignore it all. I respect it all. I respect my situation and her situation. I don't continue the communication because of those situations. Like I did with Zane and like I tend to do with Fox still. What type of girlfriend would I be to have an ex lover be in my life when the current one was uncomfortable with it? What type of person would I be if I couldn't trust the others feelings towards me? The bad thing is.... It becomes an addiction. Oh a lovely addiction. I'm not addicted to anything. I have a hard time giving anything up because I don't crave much. So this is my addiction. How long can I go without responding? How many times will they talk to me before I break? My Fish still texts me after months. She is persuasive really and yet I just can't. I miss our relationship but if I can't have it all I wont hurt over it. I've learned that the hard way. Zane was a non stop druggy when it came to being in my life. That was more of a need not an addiction, to ignore and refuse. Nicole not so much. It's easy when you're unsure about feelings. When your in relationships and what has been said can change where things can stand. So addiction leads me to years of not speaking with someone. Do I miss them. Yes. I think that's how this started. Zane being in town, and me not speaking with Fox had my mom asking about Nicole.

Sure we tried to be friends. I'm always willing to try to be friends with my exs. But in reality being over her wasn't enough. I was with someone who found it uncomfortable. I thought I could make it work but I wanted to try and love someone new because I finally felt for another. It wasn't hard to stop talking to her. In fact it was a simple text that had me pushing her away. I don't think she will ever know how wrong she can be about a simple text. It was her fault that a friendship couldn't work and I took that as my dive into an easy addiction. I let the texts come in, how maybe inappropriate they were or how simple. I felt that it should have been ok to not be in each other's lives. Why wasn't it? I didn't need her there when I finally had something new. When I met her I didn't need Zane in my life. I shouldn't have been so important to her. Sure I was ready for a friendship, we had talked about that, but where my life was going and who she was when we last hung out had me not wanting her in my life for other reasons. It was almost absurd the messages I got and how I felt that things like that shouldn't be said. The actions were even worse. I was happy with someone else and I respected him, that's all. I'm sure it could be taken a different way but I was over it and there was no need for anything more. Then it became annoying. A point where I felt there was a hidden meaning in everything she said. More reason not to respond. And I mean come on I'm showing her respect as well. Being with someone new as well should make it easier to not be in my life or try to be. Yes we were great together, really great and maybe could be amazing friends, but over the last few years I was busy with someone else and being over everything Nicole. Not needing her around and not caring about a friendship that would have been pointless most of the time. I didn't want to deal with drama or feel I needed to "check in" because of bad dreams or "feelings". Maybe at one point that meant something to me but now not so much. Maybe some people should think about what their bodies are saying to them, what the sub-conscience might be telling you and figure themselves out more.

Sure there are parts of me that miss her. Maybe the relationship we had, and the eternity at my fingertips feeling. But a friendship? No... The last time we talked... almost two years ago... (wow been that long?) she wasn't anything I wanted in my life. A different person. In fact a turn off really. Nothing like the girl I loved with every cell in my body as she was. I didn't enjoy our time. I was misunderstood. The communication was wrong and the judgement and cockiness was too much for me. I felt she would never be who she was, that a different life grabbed hold of her and took over. I see it as being annoying thinking of time with her. I find her to be never satisfied in life, and with an LA mentality now. Not the humble almost shy girl I knew. I don't need to be impressed but that's how I felt I was being treated. Oh well. How do you say "her loss" in a nice way? Where it isn't cocky or about the ego? Where it isn't a regret or a piece of bait? How can I just say me being in her life or Zane's life or anyone's life would have favored them. Because I do care more for others then myself. I know Zane never got that about me and Nicole was the only one who helped me understand I wasn't the only one. And Fox... well I think Fox will never understand me, ever. I don't mean her loss in a bad way. Be in my life if you want to. I'm a great friend to have. Hell maybe it would answer questions or not. Maybe your wife will be ok with it someday. Or maybe you can stop assuming it's something when it's not and actually call like normal people do when they want to be friends. Until then maybe it's their loss, or my loss... Doesn't matter.

But... God do I remember that love. Besides all of that other stuff I remember love. HA! That's funny. It's in the Hard Rock menu... "Remember Love." I remember that idea of all or nothing. I don't know who wouldn't be able to handle that idea now. I think when I mention it to my mom that we don't talk and it would be nice to have her in my life, she thinks differently. When questioned I can mention it in passing like, "yah it would be cool to be her friend. Tell her to call me..." and I laugh about it. When I think about it I miss the person I met in 2006, that grew with me from that point. Not the person I see now. When I think of how others think of our love in the past I do miss that as well. A love like that cant be found in anyone. It is worked for. My energy can remember a bond and connection that maybe others saw. Something that was noticed and keeps them asking. Hell it isn't hard to forget. You kind of spend the rest of the time comparing your relationships to the better one you had in the past. Or I grab bits and pieces from each wanting to find that perfect someone. Maybe she is out there. Sure I'll say maybe "he" is out there but my "trying" with a guy didn't work so well so I'm not planning on that again anytime soon.

I think more so I wonder what it feels like to try to make that connection again. I wonder what rekindling and old flame feels like? One that was worth it. Even just sexually. There's nothing wrong with wondering in that subject. I wonder if you get that jump of butterflies? I wonder if it can still be as passionate? I'm sure it's different when both parties are single. When you don't actually worry about who might find out or how you will feel in the morning. So what would it be like now? I see the way my parents talk to each other now. I've heard both of them say the love is still there. After 17 years for them I just wonder what could happen. Just a side thought. You hear about people not being together for years and then it happens again and it was better then before. Would I be ok with my parents being back together? Sure, but I like the way it is now.

Anyway. My mom knows how different my love was for Zane and Nicole and Fox and those little ones in between. Everyone I'm sure knows. It's easy to compare to each of them on different levels with what I want now. My mom thinks I'm unhappy sometimes because I don't try to find love. I say I miss Zane or I miss Nicole it's me saying I miss points in my life where love was great and I felt complete. I say I miss Fox everyday even if I see him, but that's me saying I miss the old him. I think this is why people don't understand me. With Fox I feel on edge all the time. I don't know why I enjoy that. The psyche major in me screams that I love him because he turned into the asshole my father was when I was growing up. But the other part in me knows I just don't give up on people who are hurting. Zane was hurting and 2 years of trying had me ending it in tears, never being forgiven or trying for that perfection we both had potential for from Nicole had me walking away, and me never feeling accepted by Fox as the person I am had me awakening into a different life.

Loving Fox is easy. Actually it's a stupid thing on my part. He knows he can be an asshole because he always said he was but he wasn't like that to me. Now that he is I still love him very much and enjoy his company. I'm annoyed at not knowing what I am. We can spend days together in our home with our dog and he almost seems to be normal again. Then he makes plans and I end up not seeing him for awhile. I guess I'm supposed to be ok with that. I guess because I've been in limbo with relationships before I guess it's almost normal. But I crave the old ease we had. When he was happy. I was great to him, maybe amazing to him. I went above and beyond for him. Fuck I took the knowledge from Zane and all the best parts from Nicole and the things I've learned from others and was a wonderful girlfriend. I tried the romance thing that so easy to do for someone else, but I'm better at getting the romance back now. Well if I ever got anything close to romance in that relationship. But I was the best of what I've been with others and I took out the worst. It was easy because I trusted him and he was always faithful. Stupid of me to think a guy like that would respect the woman I am and what I'm capable of. I gave so much and got so little. Still I get very little even out of a friendship or whatever it is we have. Maybe it was a waste to put so much effort into it? I think my exs would have enjoyed it more then he did! HA! I grew up, I still grow. I've learned a lot and taken to heart a lot. I've been hurt and stepped on but I keep trying for a perfection I can reach. Not a big deal to hope you get your chance and what you want most.

We all wait for our turn at something. Wait to be famous in the industry, wait to be given the chance to be great, wait to love and be loved and all wondering when our efforts will be noticed. I want a love to lie down and be still for. Not a lot to ask even when I know it takes a lot on both parties. Zane was a man to be a good father and I saw that in him. He made me laugh and good family values. Nicole was everything I was never offered and Fox is the one to be trusted and have faith in. There are parts in each of them I grab and take with me in pockets of my heart hoping someone will fill those and I wont carry them any longer.

I will say this: my love for all of them will tear me apart but my love for Nicole is my greatest enemy. I believed for a long time no one else would ever deserve what I offered and I tried to bid my time until it was right. To present the lost and be founded again with all its glory. There was an unresolved time but my addiction kept me from figuring that out. Figuring out if FIF could have been real. I wouldn't have met Fox if I hadn't forced myself away from a hope or a dream that got dimmer and dimmer. I couldn't be the cause of lies, or cheating or regret anymore. Then with a friendship I still found it not as important. I could really put who I had become as a person, a girlfriend, a lover to the test and make something work when there wasn't drama attatched to it. With Fox there wasn't any of that. There still isn't. I never believed for a moment I couldn't trust him. He gave me what I always wanted, faithfulness and trust. I might be angry and his hurt, pain and ability to take it out on me no matter how I give and accept the punches. But I'm never not thankful for him in my life and the type of love I finally had with someone that I'd never known. I'm thank full for all of them. Maybe the next one I'll be thankful for as well for a different reason.

I don't try to understand how life plays out. Like I said... Even if only seen one sided I have never loved anyone like I loved her. Nor do I plan to until that "one" comes along. I came close with Fox but felt my efforts going unnoticed. I felt that I was giving 110% and not getting close to 50% back. So I just accepted how it all turned out. I know I want more then that. I might learn from others but I have to remember to be aware of my heart. It wouldn't be fair to them for me to put that much effort into it if I felt there wasn't any future. Maybe I can let someone back in but in reality I'm storing greatness for a love to be written about... If I could love anyone more then I loved her I would place a bet on my soul that the person I loved like that would die the same moment as me because they couldn't live another moment without me and I them. I thought for a long time if not Zane then no one, if not Nicole then no one, if not... then I am to be alone... But there is love I have love to give that goes untapped. I once saw my life played out and then I saw a different path. I then saw my life under my moon and then the sun rose. I once saw my life and I still haven't awoken...

How frail the human heart must be

A mirrored pool of thought.

311 Concert!

Last night I was in awe of my favorite band 311. The first time they've played in Tahoe since 2006 when they had a sell out show with Ziggy and the Whalers. For some reason when I was younger this was the only hip hop/ Reggae/ Ska/ Rock/ Etc band I could really get into. Having started in 1988 in a garage in Omaha, it didn't take long for them to amaze someone in the industry. With their powerful words and outlook on the world it was only a matter of time before a record was released and shows were selling out. In 2001 I was blessed to find my perfect song. In meaning and in my faith Amber could comfort me, heal me, fill me with mixed emotions and yet always bring me to a reality I forget I have. To this day I hear it and will cry. Performing it live had me in those tears of mixed emotions. So much can change in a lifetime yet there are things that can be one steady grip on life. I've had so many things change in the course of this past month let alone the last few years that hearing the familiar lick paused all stress and discomfort in my life and placed me back in a moment where life didnt matter it just was. The show was mind blowing. Covering almost one song from all of the 10 albums had people crowd surfing, moshing, elbowing to get a better view, and like me being filled with the joy of music.

I was stoked to see Chad Sexton preform a solo part (32 piece set) which I'm thinking of uploading even though I was dancing so much the film is shaky. He was soon joined by the other members in the group. Doubled on two extra kits, a 4 foot base drum being beating and two very large square symbols the band took a moment to impress the crowd. Below is the footage I got. Sorry the sound is not that great. I was so close the speakers were very intense. But what an amazing time! I can't upload Amber, there are parts you cant even hear because I couldn't film through my tears.

Enjoy!

I've been thinking, about a lot.... It helps to ponder in a coffee shop with a good BLT on a bagel and a hot coffee on a snowy day. Just to be out of the house. I have no plans today. Maybe I should but my current situation seem perfect.

So I've been thinking of buying a house. Dramatic choice I know. Asked my mom about it and she thinks my 'nesting' habits are kicking in. I dont see myself nesting anywhere anytime soon. I take off too often to stick around. I see it more as an investment. I found the perfect retro house on the Nevada side. Three stories because the house is on a cliff. It has a cottage feel to the top floor which you see from the road. The second story is actually lower then the first. It has a concrete deck with fire pit included. The third story is down on the bottom part of the cliff and has a back door leading to a passing street and is a few blocks from the beach. I love the layout, very castle cottage with a hint of magiq to it.

Again a dramatic idea. However I've been thinking about going red too which in my opinion is almost equally dramatic for me.

Also been thinking about how the hell I'm going to come up with more money for school. Catch 22. If I make more by getting a second job that doesn't pay under the table then I'll lose student aid and school will cost double what I pay now. Frustrated. At least my dad is thinking of consigning a loan with me. I hate that though, anyone paying for anything. I like to know I do things in my own. But I am thankful. I guess I can't so much think about buying a house when I want to finish school first. But I'm debating how long houses will be at this price with the economy being so bad. Both ideas are future investments. Huummmmmm....

Lots of thinking time.... Too many things to think about.

Interview!

Been working on this interview since 10PM, it is now almost 4Am and I'm finished. I don't think I can submit the full interview to the paper because lack of space, but I'll will post my full article on here after I find out what is approved. damn me and wanting to over achieve and having 2700 words.... lame....

Thank you Cary this will be awesome!!!

Padded Walls

My dreams sometimes haunt me. The scary vividness seeps like winter chill into my bones and drags with me through the day. Today is one of those days. Unlike most nights where I dream of pleasantries, last night I was not so fortunate.

Unlike most people where they dream of many thing through the night and only remember a select few, I go to bed and dream in length. Waking hours later either pleased or drenched in sweat.

I was dreaming of familiar eyes, with a questioning stare. Of familiar lips, begging with moisture. Then a rejection of sorts had me falling from the sky into a blanket of snow. The word was gray and I stood alone outside a large brick building on the other side of a fence. I was in a playground. I knew for some reason the building was an Asylum. I knew that whomever was inside shouldn't be there. I knew I shouldn't, but I attempted to get in, and get them out.

I did what needed to be done. I attacked a female doctor when she was in passing to her car. She had basic defense training to my surprise. Not anything special but I could feel myself enjoying the struggle. She fought, and I took blow after blow to forearms, shoulders and the backs of my fists. Protective defensive stances. Then with little effort I took her down. A form of sleeper hold used with the thumbs. Funny I never use any training in real life. But in dreams I remember ever move, every kata, and every form of attack to hurt or kill I was ever taught. The women was then in the back of her car and I was securely fashioned in her uniform and walking down the empty halls of the Asylum. I love when dreams do that. Take out the boring parts of dreams for you like a movie. You know in the next scene why they are wearing the other person's clothes and you know later unless killed the people will wake up, call an alarm, and begin a chase to make the action in the movie. My dreams are the same. Lucky me.

It was then through these halls I noticed the world began to change. Every door I passed I could see the patient in the small window. Some of the normal type. Strapped into jackets and drooling. Some throwing fireballs at the walls with their hands. I take that to be my love of X-Men movies coming out. There were more, so many more. The farther I walked the worse it got. The undead walking in circles their faces falling off the bones. I remember blood, lots of blood. Coming from under the doors and seeping out into the hallway. Which now became like "Relativity" by M.C. Escher. I was locked in a world with different types of gravity. I'd head downward and end up on the roof. Going left I'd be behind where I came and standing still I saw myself pass by many times.

I found a door, after walking down a spiral staircase. I was then in an old room I remember from childhood. My dad took me to meet a famous yoga teacher. The one who invented most moves that have been recorded today. It was his living room open to the backyard. It was sunny out but still I wasn't pleased to be there. The closet to the right was opened and there was a little girl. Actually a friend of mine at a younger age, tying on pink fur coats that were way too big for her. I knew she was trapped but I hadn't the slightest idea on how to get her out.

She looked at me and cried. Her crying made me cry in frustration. She then asked my I was bleeding. Touching my face she trapped my blood tears between her fingers and looking at me dissolved into ash. The way Claudia does when trapped in the under ground well. The sun moves until directly above her and she can not escape but burn, that poor vampire child.

I remember waking to the dim light of morning or maybe early afternoon. I remember touching my face and looking at my fingers. Nothing but my mouth tasted of blood. I had bit my tongue in my sleep. That familiar rust taste. I almost didn't remember what I had been dreaming about. I had to stray away from trying to remember to remember.

Pulling my blinds up the world outside was as gray as my dream had been. Opening the door the cold brought in the scent of smoke from fires in warm homes. Later those fires would become ash, and where does it leave me? Believe something bigger is coming and I will soon cry blood tears in a world of fire?

When I grow up

I was blessed with the sounds of children laughing when I was shooting with Sandra not too long ago. I enjoy the company of children very much. I’m sure one day I’ll be a wonderful mother. Or I’d like to be cocky enough and say I’m going to “try” to do a damn good job of it!

As much fun as we were having shooting with all of us girls (hair, MUA, model and photographer) I couldn't help but get thoroughly distracted by Sandra's two kids. Her daughter and I ended up sneaking off to the bathroom so I could do her hair and put large 50's hair pieces in it. I loved watching her go through my clothes and try on my heels that were way too big for her tiny but perfect feet. I wondered if that is what every mom thinks when her daughter starts to play dress up.

To be honest I wouldn't know what to do with a girl. I don't remember being much of a girl when I was younger. My sister did that enough for us both. I enjoyed getting dirty and helping my dad fix things. Riding bikes and playing street hockey with the boys next door. I've eaten bugs and a lot of things I don't care to mention out of dares. You know, to be cool enough to hang with other street kids. I hated to dress up. I loved my baggy boy clothes and never being as chatty as other silly girls my age. So when I caught myself smiling at this tiny girl in my large fur coats, telling me about how mean this other girl at school was, I couldn't help but want to comfort. To play with her blonde, weightless hair, and tell her when these girls grow up they will regret not having a friend like her.

Sandra's two year old son however was a different story. Even in my "nice clothes" all I wanted to do was wrestle with him. Chase him around the house and show him how to build pillow piles to jump into from high places. I'm the coolest baby sitter, until those kids show their parents what I've taught them. Ooops.

I think my patience for children is so high because I've never had little kids in my family that I got to see that often. My cousins are all in SF or LA so I was thankful to see them once a year. Baby sitting was always fun for me. I got to relive the things I loved to do as a kid. Cuddle time was never a bad thing either. Something about a small living being relying on you for everything can really make you look back on your own childhood. Were my parents as supportive, as loving, as angry, as comforting, as demanding, as responsible as I really thought? Could I one day be better? Can I hold this child and hope one day my own will be safe from the world yet as independent as I was? I only dare to imagine what my children will be like.

So these are a few shots I care to share with you. I look at them and want to squeal with the idea of my own kids later in my life. How happy kids in general make me. As for now I love spending time with them and giving them back at the end of the day. But I wont deny deep down there is a secret spot that's screaming "I can't wait to have kids, or adopt some that would have been otherwise less unfortunate." Please enjoy and I hope they make you smile as well.

*Need to edit this page. Not at 5:54AM...

11 Years

I know a weird thing to blog about, but talk about my memory with dates... gosh!

11:53 PM February 2 2001

I lost my virginity and from that day on I have celebrated it every year. My annual Sex Day. That sounds so weird, but at least I don't post it on my calendar anymore. I don't make a big deal about it now that I'm older but it's still fun to remember even if the ordeal wasn't memorable.... at all. HA!

Wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh!

Metro Station!!!

I'm so excited! I just finished chatting/texting with my friend Cary White and to my surprise he is now the new drummer for Metro Station! A band I have loved for the last 4 years! It might be because they have a song called Kelsey but honestly, it's a band that has always made me want to dance. We laughed about the irony of the song and the fact that I tend to call him a little metro himself. But truth be told....I'm SO excited for my friend. Over the years I have watched him dabble in smaller gigs, followed him in photos and facebook updates on his travels, and even met with him in LA for lunch to talk about the exciting things he might be doing next. So it is FINALLY nice to see a home town boy have something come his way with a humble heart. He is a fantastic drummer and after an audition they hired him that night! As a person that must be an amazing feeling to probably be picked before anything was even finalized! From what I know it could take time and even second auditions to get a response. Not going to lie, I can't wait for my next trip to LA! Not only will I get to meet with an awesome friend but someone I admire for their drive and patience in the music industry. It is NOT an easy thing and I have seen and experienced it a few times myself. To be a little selfish (which I never am) I'm going to get a great story on this too. I know Cary will be humble and almost too shy to talk about himself and his good fortune but I think he deserves all of it. And I will be at the next show, first row, (if I can) screaming all the lyrics to Shake It (one of my many BMXing tunes at the skate park)! Gosh, it's times like these that make me more passionate about my music business degree and the things I plan on doing with it in the near future. Sometimes the universe speaks and only when we listen does it happen... So excited for you Cary! Love love love!! I wish you all the best in this next stepping stone in your life!

Here are some links to share the love!

http://www.facebook.com/metrostation

metrostationmusic.com

youtube.com/metrostationtv

For You

I tried to do handstands for you, I tried to do headstands for you.
Every time I fell on you, every time I fell.
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze.

Now I taste like all those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees.
Hot July ain't good to me, I'm pink and black and blue.

I got bruises on my knees for you...
And grass stains on my knees for you...
Got holes in my new jeans for you...
Got pink and black and blue...

For you...

Happy Birthday...

I'm thinking it's time....

Do YOU believe?

Coffee Pot Project

I'm a supporter in this project.... and I might be in it. Stay tuned!

I Love Coffee!

Photo Shoot!

Story to come:

Blue Lotus Photography

In the Spirit of the fight...

Old hope, got stuck in your throat,
Wound it's way round your neck
And caused you to choke.
Old hope, made of rope,
That held you tight as the chair legs broke.

When they found you hanging in the wood,
You said at least now I don't have to be kind nor good.
I'll be cruel and I'll be obscene,
Tear out my tongue,
'Cause I've been redeemed.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/florence_and_the_machine/tear_out_my_tongue_ye_olde_hope.html ]
Save my blushes for the grave,
No shy glance, no coy restraint,
And I won't hang my head,
And I won't repent,
Won't face the wall and count to ten

5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...

Well they tore you down
And they tore out your tongue,
And they made you kneel
For all the things that you'd done.
But you wouldn't cry,
You wouldn't beg,
You just screamed
And tore out your teeth instead.

Her Rabbit Heart

Latino Kick

I'm always coming across new music and I love music from other countries. Get on my Latino kick!

Ana Tijoux

Julieta Venegas

Ely Guerra

Los Claxons

Mole

Zoe

El General

Claudia Brant

Jesse & Joy

Melina Leon

Pablo Alboran

Paulina Rubio

Rosario

Eric Bobo & Latin Bitman

This music will not help you get anything done, it will make you want to dance. So much for getting my blog up to date.....

Whiskey Mouth

Love without or with a dance...

Dirty pony I can't wait to hose you down....

Dirty pearls and a patch.

Follow the Remington Rebels.

Let's raise Hell in the streets,

Drink beer and get into trouble.

I could be your girl,

But would you love me if I ruled the world?...

Help me I'm on display...

H.... M.... Lover

Bring me back to 1959!

I just downloaded this CD! It's going to be on repeat for awhile. I've been in love with Buddy Holly since I was little. Since I am my dad's second set of children I grew up with the classics )him being a lot older then my mother). The men and women that changed music in our history forever. No doubt in my mind if he would have lived he would have been a force not to reckon with. A true musical genus of the age. I remember Buddy above almost all musicians played in my house. My father, an old musician himself, had him playing at all times day or night. I think the older he got the more it brought him back to an age that made him feel like he had the world at his fingertips. My dad and I agree on a lot of things but music is our top topic. I like to load his nano (a gift from me for his 66th b-day) with some of the best. He likes to have it at the college with him and during his office hours he blasts classic rock music, quite to the students passing amusement. I can't wait to load this CD on there too.

One of the best memories I have with my dad is going to SF just us for the weekend. I was 15. Walking down some side streets we stopped and ate lunch at a small coffee shop. It was beautiful out and the street reminded me of my home in France when I think back on it now. Small cobble stone alley, sans the cars. Just room for the shops and people walking. After we ate we took a walk and found a small theatre with a showing of the Buddy Holly Story that night. We went, of coarse! It was amazing! The

story of Buddy and his music career, love life and finally his death. By the end of the show my father along with so many his age were up on their feet dancing. It was to what was a reenactment of the final musical act to the "The Winter Dance Party". My dad was laughing and crying at the same time. I think I watched him more then the final act in the show. My dad has had some amazing things to say about his life. It is a goal of mine to recored these moments before he forgets them. I've begged him to write a book about his life. I'm not saying this because he's my father but I think it would be an amazing "normal life" biography. More related to by the baby boomers then that of Marilyn Monroe or Kurt Cobain (both bios I have read thank you). This past year, almost 10 years to the date, Reno was holding the Buddy Holly Story and a week before my dad's b-day I took him again. This time people were to conservative to get up and dance but I watched my dad cry again. I think that might have been the best birthday gift yet for him. Well the nano was pretty cool. Those are memories I'l

l never forget. A father's happy tears.

I think because of Buddy I was somewhat attracted to the idea of Elvis

Costello. The Buddy Holly of Punk. Which later lead into my small obsession of Punk bands from all over the world. Then the Grunge and Metal movement. Yes I even did my time loving screamer bands. LOL. These reasons should have had me studying for my music degree along time ago but I don't think it would have been offered then what I do now. Back in school for Music Business as an actual DEGREE! A very expensive degree though grrrrrrrr..... BUT I enjoy everything I've learned so much that I put more time in offering my business for free then anything else! I have a few meetings set up with the casinos to talk about the concerts and their show scheduling for this summer. Very exciting for me if it works out. I've turned down VIP hosting a few times now because as much as I'd love to do personal assisting I find getting my foot in the door with this company the way I want will lead to bigger things that will make me happier in the end.

NOTE: This CD rocks! Boo-YAH!

I bought it for myself over Christmas but I waited till now to open it. I don't like getting things for myself and rarely do. Maybe things to make my home more comfortable. Things I desire to have around me, to inspire not just me on an everyday, but for others when they visit. I keep many books on shelves around my house. My collection has grown to over 200 of them. Yes I've read them. I enjoy bios most and books on music. I think maybe I'll make a list of my top reads, or rereads...

Oh, in 18 days it will be The Day The Music Died! Maybe I'll have a small Buddy Holly Remembrance get together. Fun idea.... Totally suggesting to get this CD or even read up on Buddy. Very sad but good story. Cheers.

Grrrrrrrr!

Frustrating not having time to write and when I do I can't think or I can't keep my eyes open because I work so much... Need to edit and upload old saved drafts.

Run it into the ground!

I hit 170,000 miles tonight! My car just keeps going! I feel too guilty to get a new car when mine is so great and still runs well. Oh yah and 40 MPG, you can't beat that!! Did I mention I can't choose a new car? My OCD kicks in every time I go shopping for one. Still love the Kia Soul but looking at others and thinking about where I might be ending up by the end of this year. LA is looking like a maybe but a job offer in New Orleans might be available too. The one place I've wanted to be since I was 14! I don't really need to spend the money on a new car yet. I'd rather spend it to go to South Africa, Aussie, or back to Europe and see friends. A few months off to get some traveling in might be good for my stir crazy soul.... Still 7 years with this car and when I got it it had 92,000 on it! My car is a beast! It's name is Hermie.... Because I'm unsure if it is a guy or a girl. HEHEHEHE

Speak

https://fbcdn-video-a.akamaihd.net/cfs-ak-snc4/232073/335/1862867806359_44501.mp4?oh=d1af8f26e67d16dc1899b451558d3019&oe=4F11BA00&__gda__=1326561792_fa6b5f68253df7dfec90064ff3fa8592

The Universe Speaks!

It's funny how with carrying the "quest" (I wrote about earlier) around with me today I actually had some things answered. I hung out with a friend today after my morning post. Hours at a coffee shop and some good talk. I don't get time to just sit and talk a lot so this was highly needed. We made sure to cover above and beyond in the little time we had in our subjects. Family, friends, relationships, and then more into depth of the human mind and actions. It’s nice to talk with someone when they have the same experiences as you, and have their own wisdom to share. An outlook that later might help you make a better decision in your own life path.

My phone went off and it was the boy. Hadn't heard from him in awhile and so upon departing my friend with some ever positive feelings and left over laughter on my face I went and met up with him.

For a long time I have felt that me being me around him was always so judged. When I wrote this morning it was mostly about him and people in general. I try to make things broad but really it comes down to something I'm going through. With the boy our parting ways was because of how we think differently on life. What we find is good and bad are VERY different. I’ve noticed he has a lot of judgment in his eyes for life in general. Not just me. His outlook is sometimes very pessimistic. Where as I’ve always been a free spirit and my love of life and positive outlook has had me aways accepting the things in life most turn their backs on.

Turns out the major love we have for one another isn't always enough to hold together the things we want. Our upbringings are different and so we as human beings are shown different paths. Where we step and what we see will be ten times different than the person who seems to walk right next to you.

When I saw him I couldn't help but smile. He has a smile that when shown lightens up the room. I had gotten us both dinner and cooked it at the cabin. He is not a man of many words, he is more a man of actions. So when he spoke to me I couldn't help but be absorbed in him. The way he is, and how I feel about him, is so different then the way I feel towards women. With him I'm grabbing at air, I can't put a finger on him most times. With women I can grasp at something, hold on and find the perfect way to communicate with them. Something that means more to me in a relationship then most will understand. My actions with him have him backing away. The way I am around people, very out going and very comfortable with whomever I'm with seemed to upset him. It makes him feel like I’m not being me. I am being me and me is being ok in whatever situation I’ve been put into. I enjoy life and enjoy the people I meet, why not learn from every moment? But his baby blues are constantly trying to figure me out always came down to the judgement instead of seeing more to me. Instead of being proud to be with a person like me. Seeing my actions as always good. I guess with a pessimistic outlook on life that is what happens.

So he spoke, I listened. He wanted to get to know me again as he has said before but never took the time to do. But this time wanted to take his time. Understanding I've never done anything wrong but that he can be the way he is and his actions can be taken wrong. It's the truth with anyone really. It's communication! So I took it as a sign that I had been speaking about him (which if this hadn't happened I wouldn't have said so but it's funny how the universe works) this morning and to finally hear the words of non-judgement was enlightening. To take the time to see me again as a person. To be sorry for the anger and to be sorry for the actions that hurt me deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give, give, give! So small actions or not seeing the little things I do mean SO much took me for a spin. Had me questioning every move I made. Even now I will stop and think of what others have thought of me in the past and try to do better by them. For some reason thinking their way was or is the right way. I try to remember we don’t know right from wrong. A young age as this proves our mistakes time and time again as we live day by day.

The boy only hears things in rumor, when sadly it is always ONLY rumor. Not even bad ones, silly ones really, but his line of thought is so different then most that he takes it to the wrong degree. Again misunderstanding. Tonight he was able to call me a good person. A great person, one of the greatest he’s ever met. My actions are always pure and good. (This part was almost hard to hear). He was finally being honest. I stated about “secret feelings” because I know he loves me completely. I can see through the “man front” he puts up, or when he acts differently around other people then when it is just us. This is me knowing “what is running around inside you” even if you can’t be honest with yourself! That and I get to hear my own set of rumors. He misses me and loves me, that he just doesn’t seem the same when I’m not around, etc. As a person I feel for him still. I feel the need to comfort and support. To take away the bad and continue to give as much as I can even if I don’t have much to give.

The best part, I didn’t force it from him! Not that I would try, ever! But it gets frustrating when you know the true feelings about someone’s feelings towards you but the honesty isn’t there to admit them. He held me and told me so many things I had been needing to hear for so long. As a person, a friend, as an old lover, I needed to know I wasn’t wrong in my actions. He could finally say he was an “asshole” and if I’m ok with that he’s probably always going to be like that but he would try not to take it out on me when he was upset about something that has nothing to do with me.

I don’t think he will ever understand that I am so much more. He doesn’t dig deep enough for that. With people I guess. With music it’s another story. But when only he has been moved to tears with his art he made sure to move me with tears.

He was able to see that what he thought of me wasn’t an honest thing to think. He was missing out on me being in his life because of this. When really I’ll be there for you no matter the cost. Sometimes to my own unhappiness. I’ve written about him keeping his feelings hidden before. I don’t state it’s about him but I guess I don’t like to admit I’ve let myself be judged by someone I loved for so long. I don’t like to let on that it wasn’t the greatest of experiences. Yet all at the same time it has been wonderful too. Where the good and the bad have been almost even. Yes I know good should surpass bad at all times, but I take the time to at least think about my actions. What if I really am in the wrong? I deserve this pain to change who I am for the better. But at the end of that I changed and for no reason at all. I’m still a good person and make good choices. I’m not who I was, I’ve grown up a lot and my past actions seem foolish now, but I’m sure we look back at our lives and sometimes go “why did I DO that?”, “did I really think THAT was ok?!”. He has been what helps me forget the past with everyone else. But has been what makes me always remember the past with him. So tonight he was able to confront his wrongs and be himself. As hard as it might be for him to open up like that he finally did it! A weight has been lifted from my chest.

I DO offer truth. Forever you will have undying truth in love with the honesty you can present me. He has done his part in being honest. My soul and mind have been given these small gifts that make my heart flutter. To know one less person of importance doesn’t judge me and can truly accept me as I am is another small but important step in my life. Again small but always important. Anyone who knows me well has known I’ve been wanting this action to come for a long time, that I needed it really. Hopefully I wont have to write about secret feelings or being judged for awhile. At least by him that is. I’m sure people will continue to judge me, and if they do I will continue to be open to their honesty in hope of changing their minds. If not, I’m ok with that. I just don’t want to ever burden anyone with the faults they see in me, something that unnecessary isn’t meant to carry around. I’d rather there be truth and honest words spoken before actions are taken in any form.

As a general statement just speak, to hear a voice can be so much more to the body and mind when you can hear feelings behind it. When you can hear truth.