I've been thinking, about a lot.... It helps to ponder in a coffee shop with a good BLT on a bagel and a hot coffee on a snowy day. Just to be out of the house. I have no plans today. Maybe I should but my current situation seem perfect.

So I've been thinking of buying a house. Dramatic choice I know. Asked my mom about it and she thinks my 'nesting' habits are kicking in. I dont see myself nesting anywhere anytime soon. I take off too often to stick around. I see it more as an investment. I found the perfect retro house on the Nevada side. Three stories because the house is on a cliff. It has a cottage feel to the top floor which you see from the road. The second story is actually lower then the first. It has a concrete deck with fire pit included. The third story is down on the bottom part of the cliff and has a back door leading to a passing street and is a few blocks from the beach. I love the layout, very castle cottage with a hint of magiq to it.

Again a dramatic idea. However I've been thinking about going red too which in my opinion is almost equally dramatic for me.

Also been thinking about how the hell I'm going to come up with more money for school. Catch 22. If I make more by getting a second job that doesn't pay under the table then I'll lose student aid and school will cost double what I pay now. Frustrated. At least my dad is thinking of consigning a loan with me. I hate that though, anyone paying for anything. I like to know I do things in my own. But I am thankful. I guess I can't so much think about buying a house when I want to finish school first. But I'm debating how long houses will be at this price with the economy being so bad. Both ideas are future investments. Huummmmmm....

Lots of thinking time.... Too many things to think about.

Interview!

Been working on this interview since 10PM, it is now almost 4Am and I'm finished. I don't think I can submit the full interview to the paper because lack of space, but I'll will post my full article on here after I find out what is approved. damn me and wanting to over achieve and having 2700 words.... lame....

Thank you Cary this will be awesome!!!

Padded Walls

My dreams sometimes haunt me. The scary vividness seeps like winter chill into my bones and drags with me through the day. Today is one of those days. Unlike most nights where I dream of pleasantries, last night I was not so fortunate.

Unlike most people where they dream of many thing through the night and only remember a select few, I go to bed and dream in length. Waking hours later either pleased or drenched in sweat.

I was dreaming of familiar eyes, with a questioning stare. Of familiar lips, begging with moisture. Then a rejection of sorts had me falling from the sky into a blanket of snow. The word was gray and I stood alone outside a large brick building on the other side of a fence. I was in a playground. I knew for some reason the building was an Asylum. I knew that whomever was inside shouldn't be there. I knew I shouldn't, but I attempted to get in, and get them out.

I did what needed to be done. I attacked a female doctor when she was in passing to her car. She had basic defense training to my surprise. Not anything special but I could feel myself enjoying the struggle. She fought, and I took blow after blow to forearms, shoulders and the backs of my fists. Protective defensive stances. Then with little effort I took her down. A form of sleeper hold used with the thumbs. Funny I never use any training in real life. But in dreams I remember ever move, every kata, and every form of attack to hurt or kill I was ever taught. The women was then in the back of her car and I was securely fashioned in her uniform and walking down the empty halls of the Asylum. I love when dreams do that. Take out the boring parts of dreams for you like a movie. You know in the next scene why they are wearing the other person's clothes and you know later unless killed the people will wake up, call an alarm, and begin a chase to make the action in the movie. My dreams are the same. Lucky me.

It was then through these halls I noticed the world began to change. Every door I passed I could see the patient in the small window. Some of the normal type. Strapped into jackets and drooling. Some throwing fireballs at the walls with their hands. I take that to be my love of X-Men movies coming out. There were more, so many more. The farther I walked the worse it got. The undead walking in circles their faces falling off the bones. I remember blood, lots of blood. Coming from under the doors and seeping out into the hallway. Which now became like "Relativity" by M.C. Escher. I was locked in a world with different types of gravity. I'd head downward and end up on the roof. Going left I'd be behind where I came and standing still I saw myself pass by many times.

I found a door, after walking down a spiral staircase. I was then in an old room I remember from childhood. My dad took me to meet a famous yoga teacher. The one who invented most moves that have been recorded today. It was his living room open to the backyard. It was sunny out but still I wasn't pleased to be there. The closet to the right was opened and there was a little girl. Actually a friend of mine at a younger age, tying on pink fur coats that were way too big for her. I knew she was trapped but I hadn't the slightest idea on how to get her out.

She looked at me and cried. Her crying made me cry in frustration. She then asked my I was bleeding. Touching my face she trapped my blood tears between her fingers and looking at me dissolved into ash. The way Claudia does when trapped in the under ground well. The sun moves until directly above her and she can not escape but burn, that poor vampire child.

I remember waking to the dim light of morning or maybe early afternoon. I remember touching my face and looking at my fingers. Nothing but my mouth tasted of blood. I had bit my tongue in my sleep. That familiar rust taste. I almost didn't remember what I had been dreaming about. I had to stray away from trying to remember to remember.

Pulling my blinds up the world outside was as gray as my dream had been. Opening the door the cold brought in the scent of smoke from fires in warm homes. Later those fires would become ash, and where does it leave me? Believe something bigger is coming and I will soon cry blood tears in a world of fire?

When I grow up

I was blessed with the sounds of children laughing when I was shooting with Sandra not too long ago. I enjoy the company of children very much. I’m sure one day I’ll be a wonderful mother. Or I’d like to be cocky enough and say I’m going to “try” to do a damn good job of it!

As much fun as we were having shooting with all of us girls (hair, MUA, model and photographer) I couldn't help but get thoroughly distracted by Sandra's two kids. Her daughter and I ended up sneaking off to the bathroom so I could do her hair and put large 50's hair pieces in it. I loved watching her go through my clothes and try on my heels that were way too big for her tiny but perfect feet. I wondered if that is what every mom thinks when her daughter starts to play dress up.

To be honest I wouldn't know what to do with a girl. I don't remember being much of a girl when I was younger. My sister did that enough for us both. I enjoyed getting dirty and helping my dad fix things. Riding bikes and playing street hockey with the boys next door. I've eaten bugs and a lot of things I don't care to mention out of dares. You know, to be cool enough to hang with other street kids. I hated to dress up. I loved my baggy boy clothes and never being as chatty as other silly girls my age. So when I caught myself smiling at this tiny girl in my large fur coats, telling me about how mean this other girl at school was, I couldn't help but want to comfort. To play with her blonde, weightless hair, and tell her when these girls grow up they will regret not having a friend like her.

Sandra's two year old son however was a different story. Even in my "nice clothes" all I wanted to do was wrestle with him. Chase him around the house and show him how to build pillow piles to jump into from high places. I'm the coolest baby sitter, until those kids show their parents what I've taught them. Ooops.

I think my patience for children is so high because I've never had little kids in my family that I got to see that often. My cousins are all in SF or LA so I was thankful to see them once a year. Baby sitting was always fun for me. I got to relive the things I loved to do as a kid. Cuddle time was never a bad thing either. Something about a small living being relying on you for everything can really make you look back on your own childhood. Were my parents as supportive, as loving, as angry, as comforting, as demanding, as responsible as I really thought? Could I one day be better? Can I hold this child and hope one day my own will be safe from the world yet as independent as I was? I only dare to imagine what my children will be like.

So these are a few shots I care to share with you. I look at them and want to squeal with the idea of my own kids later in my life. How happy kids in general make me. As for now I love spending time with them and giving them back at the end of the day. But I wont deny deep down there is a secret spot that's screaming "I can't wait to have kids, or adopt some that would have been otherwise less unfortunate." Please enjoy and I hope they make you smile as well.

*Need to edit this page. Not at 5:54AM...

11 Years

I know a weird thing to blog about, but talk about my memory with dates... gosh!

11:53 PM February 2 2001

I lost my virginity and from that day on I have celebrated it every year. My annual Sex Day. That sounds so weird, but at least I don't post it on my calendar anymore. I don't make a big deal about it now that I'm older but it's still fun to remember even if the ordeal wasn't memorable.... at all. HA!

Wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhhhhhhh!

Metro Station!!!

I'm so excited! I just finished chatting/texting with my friend Cary White and to my surprise he is now the new drummer for Metro Station! A band I have loved for the last 4 years! It might be because they have a song called Kelsey but honestly, it's a band that has always made me want to dance. We laughed about the irony of the song and the fact that I tend to call him a little metro himself. But truth be told....I'm SO excited for my friend. Over the years I have watched him dabble in smaller gigs, followed him in photos and facebook updates on his travels, and even met with him in LA for lunch to talk about the exciting things he might be doing next. So it is FINALLY nice to see a home town boy have something come his way with a humble heart. He is a fantastic drummer and after an audition they hired him that night! As a person that must be an amazing feeling to probably be picked before anything was even finalized! From what I know it could take time and even second auditions to get a response. Not going to lie, I can't wait for my next trip to LA! Not only will I get to meet with an awesome friend but someone I admire for their drive and patience in the music industry. It is NOT an easy thing and I have seen and experienced it a few times myself. To be a little selfish (which I never am) I'm going to get a great story on this too. I know Cary will be humble and almost too shy to talk about himself and his good fortune but I think he deserves all of it. And I will be at the next show, first row, (if I can) screaming all the lyrics to Shake It (one of my many BMXing tunes at the skate park)! Gosh, it's times like these that make me more passionate about my music business degree and the things I plan on doing with it in the near future. Sometimes the universe speaks and only when we listen does it happen... So excited for you Cary! Love love love!! I wish you all the best in this next stepping stone in your life!

Here are some links to share the love!

http://www.facebook.com/metrostation

metrostationmusic.com

youtube.com/metrostationtv

For You

I tried to do handstands for you, I tried to do headstands for you.
Every time I fell on you, every time I fell.
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze.

Now I taste like all those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees.
Hot July ain't good to me, I'm pink and black and blue.

I got bruises on my knees for you...
And grass stains on my knees for you...
Got holes in my new jeans for you...
Got pink and black and blue...

For you...

Happy Birthday...