It's funny how with carrying the "quest" (I wrote about earlier) around with me today I actually had some things answered. I hung out with a friend today after my morning post. Hours at a coffee shop and some good talk. I don't get time to just sit and talk a lot so this was highly needed. We made sure to cover above and beyond in the little time we had in our subjects. Family, friends, relationships, and then more into depth of the human mind and actions. It’s nice to talk with someone when they have the same experiences as you, and have their own wisdom to share. An outlook that later might help you make a better decision in your own life path.
My phone went off and it was the boy. Hadn't heard from him in awhile and so upon departing my friend with some ever positive feelings and left over laughter on my face I went and met up with him.
For a long time I have felt that me being me around him was always so judged. When I wrote this morning it was mostly about him and people in general. I try to make things broad but really it comes down to something I'm going through. With the boy our parting ways was because of how we think differently on life. What we find is good and bad are VERY different. I’ve noticed he has a lot of judgment in his eyes for life in general. Not just me. His outlook is sometimes very pessimistic. Where as I’ve always been a free spirit and my love of life and positive outlook has had me aways accepting the things in life most turn their backs on.
Turns out the major love we have for one another isn't always enough to hold together the things we want. Our upbringings are different and so we as human beings are shown different paths. Where we step and what we see will be ten times different than the person who seems to walk right next to you.
When I saw him I couldn't help but smile. He has a smile that when shown lightens up the room. I had gotten us both dinner and cooked it at the cabin. He is not a man of many words, he is more a man of actions. So when he spoke to me I couldn't help but be absorbed in him. The way he is, and how I feel about him, is so different then the way I feel towards women. With him I'm grabbing at air, I can't put a finger on him most times. With women I can grasp at something, hold on and find the perfect way to communicate with them. Something that means more to me in a relationship then most will understand. My actions with him have him backing away. The way I am around people, very out going and very comfortable with whomever I'm with seemed to upset him. It makes him feel like I’m not being me. I am being me and me is being ok in whatever situation I’ve been put into. I enjoy life and enjoy the people I meet, why not learn from every moment? But his baby blues are constantly trying to figure me out always came down to the judgement instead of seeing more to me. Instead of being proud to be with a person like me. Seeing my actions as always good. I guess with a pessimistic outlook on life that is what happens.
So he spoke, I listened. He wanted to get to know me again as he has said before but never took the time to do. But this time wanted to take his time. Understanding I've never done anything wrong but that he can be the way he is and his actions can be taken wrong. It's the truth with anyone really. It's communication! So I took it as a sign that I had been speaking about him (which if this hadn't happened I wouldn't have said so but it's funny how the universe works) this morning and to finally hear the words of non-judgement was enlightening. To take the time to see me again as a person. To be sorry for the anger and to be sorry for the actions that hurt me deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give, give, give! So small actions or not seeing the little things I do mean SO much took me for a spin. Had me questioning every move I made. Even now I will stop and think of what others have thought of me in the past and try to do better by them. For some reason thinking their way was or is the right way. I try to remember we don’t know right from wrong. A young age as this proves our mistakes time and time again as we live day by day.
The boy only hears things in rumor, when sadly it is always ONLY rumor. Not even bad ones, silly ones really, but his line of thought is so different then most that he takes it to the wrong degree. Again misunderstanding. Tonight he was able to call me a good person. A great person, one of the greatest he’s ever met. My actions are always pure and good. (This part was almost hard to hear). He was finally being honest. I stated about “secret feelings” because I know he loves me completely. I can see through the “man front” he puts up, or when he acts differently around other people then when it is just us. This is me knowing “what is running around inside you” even if you can’t be honest with yourself! That and I get to hear my own set of rumors. He misses me and loves me, that he just doesn’t seem the same when I’m not around, etc. As a person I feel for him still. I feel the need to comfort and support. To take away the bad and continue to give as much as I can even if I don’t have much to give.
The best part, I didn’t force it from him! Not that I would try, ever! But it gets frustrating when you know the true feelings about someone’s feelings towards you but the honesty isn’t there to admit them. He held me and told me so many things I had been needing to hear for so long. As a person, a friend, as an old lover, I needed to know I wasn’t wrong in my actions. He could finally say he was an “asshole” and if I’m ok with that he’s probably always going to be like that but he would try not to take it out on me when he was upset about something that has nothing to do with me.
I don’t think he will ever understand that I am so much more. He doesn’t dig deep enough for that. With people I guess. With music it’s another story. But when only he has been moved to tears with his art he made sure to move me with tears.
He was able to see that what he thought of me wasn’t an honest thing to think. He was missing out on me being in his life because of this. When really I’ll be there for you no matter the cost. Sometimes to my own unhappiness. I’ve written about him keeping his feelings hidden before. I don’t state it’s about him but I guess I don’t like to admit I’ve let myself be judged by someone I loved for so long. I don’t like to let on that it wasn’t the greatest of experiences. Yet all at the same time it has been wonderful too. Where the good and the bad have been almost even. Yes I know good should surpass bad at all times, but I take the time to at least think about my actions. What if I really am in the wrong? I deserve this pain to change who I am for the better. But at the end of that I changed and for no reason at all. I’m still a good person and make good choices. I’m not who I was, I’ve grown up a lot and my past actions seem foolish now, but I’m sure we look back at our lives and sometimes go “why did I DO that?”, “did I really think THAT was ok?!”. He has been what helps me forget the past with everyone else. But has been what makes me always remember the past with him. So tonight he was able to confront his wrongs and be himself. As hard as it might be for him to open up like that he finally did it! A weight has been lifted from my chest.
I DO offer truth. Forever you will have undying truth in love with the honesty you can present me. He has done his part in being honest. My soul and mind have been given these small gifts that make my heart flutter. To know one less person of importance doesn’t judge me and can truly accept me as I am is another small but important step in my life. Again small but always important. Anyone who knows me well has known I’ve been wanting this action to come for a long time, that I needed it really. Hopefully I wont have to write about secret feelings or being judged for awhile. At least by him that is. I’m sure people will continue to judge me, and if they do I will continue to be open to their honesty in hope of changing their minds. If not, I’m ok with that. I just don’t want to ever burden anyone with the faults they see in me, something that unnecessary isn’t meant to carry around. I’d rather there be truth and honest words spoken before actions are taken in any form.
As a general statement just speak, to hear a voice can be so much more to the body and mind when you can hear feelings behind it. When you can hear truth.
No comments:
Post a Comment