Remembers the pain in my body. The hurt from getting angry. The need to do it. To prove that point. To be real again. A state in which I am out of my own body and looking down at myself. I can't be the one to do it. I can't be the one to hurt another. No matter the unfairness of it all I shouldn't have to be mean.
The line snaps and I'm floating out of myself...
How long since I've done that?
How wise of a choice was it?
Will I regret those actions later?
I need to be real! I need to be seen!!! I need.... I never ask or want what I really need. I deal and pour myself into the hurt of others. I care more for you then I do myself. You know it as much as I do so why do you let it happen? Why will you let me reach this point?
Can you give? Can you give just something? A smile, a laugh, a glimmer of hope that when I look into your soul I find you in there waiting to get out?
No....
So I shut down, and turn on again. But the light that turns on gold now shines red and I'm dead to you too. Look in my eyes and see my soul has left. The body lives and breathes. The heart beats and the brain works but my actions are not my own.
Soon I'm lashing at you, teeth bared, hoping from above you see this is not me but maybe you'll react. You don't. I take it further.... then its dark.
The house smells of pinesol and I'm holding a mop. It's cleaner then I've ever seen it and just as empty. I'm happy about it. There in that moment when I come back I find some happiness in my part of the world. My home is mine again. Where did I leave off? The door is open to the setting sun and the air is warm. If it's open I'm almost done. Cleaning my home, ridding my life of trash...
I took it back? Did you upset me that much that I forced you to leave? Am I me again yet? I still hurt, scrunching my shoulders I feel the back ache. I know deep down I'm sorry. I know my energy is dimmed just a little from what I've done. Breathe deep the clean.
Sage....
My home will be mine again. In time it will feel like I never left and the rest will be a memory of trying. I'll paint like I did before. I miss the burnt trees I covered up. I miss the intense colors and the music all around me. It will be mine again but I wont allow anything more then that in.
For now.
I dip the mop and it all goes dark.
I get where I need to be. A place to myself with no lingering. My time. A little fun, a little update and post and then I let the world out. I turn it off. Life will be dead to me as I know it. No I don't want to know what the world is doing outside of my sanctuary. I don't want to answer you or your text or calls. I don't care who "you" are I'm not listening! I'm not listening to any of "you" for now. I need to be real again! Hear myself.
I smell whiskey. There on the table I've been poured a shot. I look at it. The fire of it. The desire to actually take it is unnerving. Since when do I want the amber liquid? Since when do I need to allow the buzz to take over? I'm stronger then that. I must have known I wasn't going anywhere, that this place would be my shelter and I was safe. The whiskey is smooth going down. I burn gracefully. I sizzle like hot cinnamon. Waiting I feel my body weaken. I feel the ease and for once can forget the weight in which I carry. The trouble in which I've caused. I wont get drunk. I have no need for that. I have no desire. I just need a little help in letting the other side go. I melt deep into myself and smile as I allow my brain to turn off yet once more.
When I open my eyes my neck is killing me. I'm starving. The room is dark but I can see it is day outside. I feel relaxed besides the pain. The bathroom light is blinding but when I can see I am covered in marks. Hand marks, scratches and bites? Are those bites? Maybe lines from the sheets and deep sleep. Whatever the case I've slept. I think. I've needed the time to myself. I've needed a chance to let go of it all and find myself.
My phone is in the room. Face up it calls for me to pick it up and look at it. It's off. It will stay off. I'll deal with the world later.
Find yourself, be real, be you. There is nothing more important than this day...
....
I took my time this weekend. I just now looked at my phone. I blew up this weekend apparently. Missed a few things and have some things coming up. I didn't want to turn my life back on. I didn't want to have the chance to think back. To go through all over what I try to avoid. I only cause myself more pain when I think. I wanted to linger in the physical pain. I wanted to hear the ringing in my ears and only that. Not the many voices or my own thoughts.
It says 27 missed calls and missed voices in my ear. I'm not going to look, I'm ok with that I guess. If it was important they will call back.
I'm not sorry I missed it. I'm sorry I did at the same time. If I had answered it wouldn't have really been me anyway. It would have been soulless and searching for peace me... I have too much to deal with right now to think straight. To get what I want. To deserve better. I have too much, much too much. I haven't thought about it. I've been out of touch with myself for way too long. I need me first. It isn't you. It's me. I need to think.
The true ones will be there... They wont give up on me.
I need this. I'm still tired from it all. I carry too much. I always have. I'm sleepy but my mind is here. I needed to get lost. Do you understand the risk in which I take doing that? I'm not unhappy but I'm not allowing myself the full joys of life. I worry for you all. I want to carry weight for you so you will walk freely. I suddenly see most of you will never help me do the same. But I wont let you go, any of you, I'll still be me and that's what I do.
Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for...
The chatter is starting to get louder. The things that must be done are calling me. I'll get by. One by one I'll figure it out. My actions will speak louder then words. Help me make my actions more fair in the end. To step in the right areas in which there wont be a mine sitting just below the surface. I want to walk freely not step lightly.
It will come to pass when I must choose who deserves to be in my life for once...
Do you?
Prove it...
Do what it takes to show me you're worth it.
Please... I've never asked this of you.
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