Don't forget.... I deserve it too...

Rappeler

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles...

Lazy day....

God damn it! Why does the rain and lack of snow make it so depressing out? I love the rain but I need a winter activity again! Please snow, or just be summer. Either one, just not this....

Bear Paw Shoot

On March 11th I got a call from a friend's mom who does events. It was at 10 in the morning and I answered thinking in was a friend calling about snow boarding... My groggy voice was a throw back for her I'm sure.

Kelsey? Are you sleeping? This is Denise, Brian's mom! Are you in town or LA? Or where are you?

Denise? I'm sleeping, in town. Why?

I have a last minute event I need covered, a model dropped out and I know you're good and hoping you had time...

I ended up saying no to the first day shooting to hit the slopes (not a good idea with a storm coming in and the windy knocking me on my ass all day). I ended up saying yes to the day after and had the urge to cancel when I found out it would be at 8 am. I would be getting off work at 4 am... This would mean if I could get showered and cleaned I could sleep 3.5 hours... I got maybe that. I went to the Embassy where the group was meeting and was on time and.... maybe..... shouldn't have been.

I had met the guys from Bear Paw Shoes before. They were up late last year for a fashion show for the winter line. They are like Ugg boots but better and have a longer backing to the name. The guys I met were in the least nice and totally perverted. So when Denise said it would be for Bear Paw I was a little turned off but know how to handle myself at a shoot. Thank God it wasn't the Sacramento group. This was the actual creator, head marketer, all the PA's, hair, MUAs, wardrobe, etc. We had drivers and everything on a "tab"...

When I got there, however, I walked into the conference room and saw a disaster! The room was a mess. There were 6 huge boxes of shoes tossed everywhere and food all over the board meeting table. I noticed a bottle of crown in the corner too. I wasn't surprised to see everyone hungover when walking in. The MUA was even sleeping on the floor of the room and was almost stepped on! Talk about professional.

I asked about breakfast on the table and they said it had been from the last threedays! So leave it to me to be the one to go to the front desk to have people remove the old food. I don't care if your excuse is "too busy to clean or call" you do it. YUCK! I didn't understand how all these people could act like this. I mean getting wasted and being messy and not ready and they had been flown up from LA? It gets worse!

I was sitting there waiting to see when we were going to get started and Mike "the boss" came in and said the photographer was sick. He actually really was with a flu and ended up not joining us that day. However Mike asked if I....I.....me....could find him a new photographer. So there I was calling anyone and everyone I knew in a 20 mile radius so we could shoot soon.

Then the other model walks in and she has a fucking black eye! She was punched out at the Sublime concert the night before! So the MUA is freaking out on her and she's freaking out too because she agent booked her in Miami in two days! That eye was only going to get worse, believe me.... By the time we had anything planned and Sandra and Josh called me back to shoot it had been 3 hours!!! I could have been sleeping!!! FUCK! Then I had my make up done and I did my own hair and brought wardrobe and props as well. Oh yah I was going to be asking about my paycheck....

When we got to Sugar Pine Point on North Shore to shoot and the Mansions it was warm and we had tables set up in the sun. At that point we began working, or I guess I did. Helping Sandra and Josh unload and get lighting set up, helped wardrobe set up got people drinks and breakfast bars and was doing more work then most of the PA's standing around taking pictures of the lake on their phones.... Ug.... I have this annoying habit of doing things when I don't need to because if not it doesn't seem to get done as fast enough as it should. My bad I guess.

We ened up shooting in a few locations. Danielle was the true

almost annoying model with the poses down but the lack of energy in the shoot. Jesse was awesome! She and I had a blast, actually talking about a lesbian bartender that was into me in Sac (we did a photo shoot together for a body painting event at District 30) and then moved to LA a few months ago and asked her out last week! Thanks Facebook for the "mutual friends" option. Leads to great conversation! But Jess was also upbeat and thankful that I was able to "deal" with everyone being grumpy and hungover. I can't let things like that bother me in the long run. Easy to just smile at everyone hoping it cheers them up.

So the locations were beautiful and Sandra and Josh (who I forgot to mention did my last boudo

ir shoot) were amazingly helpful in showing up last minute. We got so mu

ch done with two people and we had 70 boots to shoot! Mike had the understanding from my modeling shots that I was going to enjoy, black, leather, studs, buckles and rock styles... I can't wait to see these pics!!! I was given every black or dark boot with so many styles I'd actually enjoy modeling.

I'm not going to lie it might have been sunny but it was SO cold! Standing in the shade for better shots too was the worst! I ended up jumping around off rocks for my pics. Things to keep me warm and make Sandra crack up! She and I feed the fire for dirty jokes! It's wonderful to work with her. I never feel uncomfortable with her or Josh. Sandra will be the first to comment that she "never has to ask me to get into the pose she is looking for or the area she looking to catch" I just understand where she wants something to look perfect. With Josh I enjoy his support when he shoots. He does the same thing Sandra does but in his own way. Telling me he is looking for smiles and natural and that I fall into easily. I had a shy moment when the creator of Bear Paw saw me jumping off rocks and running on the beach. I thought he would have told me to stop but he simply said "so you're the FUN one! That's just what we needed!" That fills me more then anything when someone can say something other then you're pretty, beautiful, hot, sexy, etc. Where someone can see past that and notice my inner nerd and laughter. Where that would work better then being just a pretty face.

We got our orders taken for deli subs at a place nearby. I was a little bummed we didn't go to John's Deli first if I had known we were getting lunch. But man these sammies were good and HUGE!!! CRAPOLA HUGE! We took turns eating in between shots and locations. The MUA was still being annoying with her hangover. Telling us not to talk about some foods because she was going to puke. Suck it up lady. Drives me nuts.... Man up a little....

By the end of the day we were rushing and I had no idea why. Turns out they had to catch a plane at 8 in Reno and it was 530 and we had to drive back to South Lake, pack, return the cars and get on a plane. Well them not me. So rushing back we got to the Embassy and everyone was running around like crazy.

Pulling stuff out of cars, putting things back in, packing and sorting. I was worried I was going to lose a few of my favorite jackets if I wasn't careful. Then the creator looks at me and says:

Well we don't have room to take the boots with us. Go for it kid.

Go for what?

Take anything that fits....

WHAT?!

Well yah you helped us a lot today and I'm sure the pay isn't enough so take what you want and whatever you want that doesn't fit call me and I'll get you your size.... (as he hands me his card...)

Don't get me wrong diving into 6 boxes of $100 boots is exciting but I'm not a taker. It took the creator emptying a box and holding up boots asking if I liked them or not. When I said yes...but.... he would drop them in the box and hold up another pair. This went on until my box was full of boots for me and friends and people I might meet that wanted some. Over 20 pairs later I had the 6 I wanted and the rest were just "whatever" boots. Cool right? I think I'm still in shock even wearing my Bear Paw slippers right now.

The only bummer to this day was when I was done I had to drive home, change and be back to work in 25 minutes. I ended up working till 3 Am and the Bear Paw group left with my purse in the car. I had to pick it up later that night on my way home. Ug. But man what a fun day!!!! I'm so thankful for the randomness my life brings. The days where I think I wont be busy and I can enjoy sleeping I'm tossed into another adventure.

Bear Paw even mentioned coming back for the next line and using me again. When they said that I asked where the photos were going and was shocked when Mike said everywhere....

Website, Facebook, Catalog, and then into the local stores and Jesse even had one of her shots blown up in LA to a billboard. WOW wouldn't that be crazy cool?!!! I'm so excited to see where these pics go!! Will keep you informed.

Misunderstood

I love to think people understand who I am, more so I really hope they do. It makes life easier for me when I don't have to explain myself and why I go about the things I do. But they don't, most of the time. I'm bringing this up because it's been a topic of conversation for a few days now.

...More so I wish my family understood me. Recently I had an ex come into my life via friendship telephone. The word of mouth tree in a small town. It was no more then a "he's in town, how do you feel about that?" Well to be honest I've been over the lover of 5 years for a long time. Over him before he met his future wife and before he was even close to being over me. Two and a half years after we broke up and he could admit he still wasn't over me and I was long gone in love with someone else. Actually at the time I was hurting over love. A lost love.

My family gets to listen to local banter. They hear an ex of mine is in town and I get to hear about it. As if I didn't know. I always know. I knew when he bought plane tickets last year for this trip. Only because others feel the need to keep me "up to date" as they say. I could care less. My family hears about it and it goes on to be a giant thing about how my exs might be, who they are after years of not seeing them, how I feel about them now, etc.

Let me tell you this. I wish my exs well. Really. I can't say anymore then that. If it wasn't my first love I get to hear about, it becomes my second more important love. After that dies down it's my more recent ex I get to talk about. The one that made the impact on me. All different and all very much my exs. For a reason.

Did I love them, yes. Did I love them well. Absolutely. Did I do well by them? That is the more important question.

Zane was the one until he wasn't. Easy enough said. 5 years of loving one person unconditionally and yet I needed to always do more and be more and be stronger when his life was falling apart. When we broke up it was hard. I was hurt and I felt life would never be the same. In the end I found it to be a matter of his own personal problems with his depression and really had nothing to do with me at all. I made the choice to get out and I stayed out. It was a long time after that he told me he was still in love with me. My image of him and who I'd fallen in love with was gone. Easy enough to be his friend. Not for him though. I couldn't continue to be in his life for his sake.

When meeting his future wife I was thrilled to be introduced. She was not. A battle over how I felt (or didn't feel) about him became an issue. I felt nothing but friendship for him. But because he wanted to hang out with me a lot and have me in his life that didn't go over so well with her. It wasn't me not being over him, it was her knowing he wasn't over me. I disappeared and haven't spoken, seen or been in contact with him for 3 years. For him really. He isn't "allowed" to have much contact with people from his old life. Very sad for me because loving someone at a point in life just doesn't go away. I will love them for who they are even if it takes years to forgive them or be forgiven. Me not speaking to him was because of his future wife. Her insecurities were too much for me to handle. Not just me but all of his friends. It's very sad to see an ex get married, promise you you'll be at the wedding because he knows you'll be the happiest for him, and not be invited because of the wife. It hurts to know the wife would get married in a place where she knew none of the friends could afford to go. We all missed out. We all miss our friend. Friend being the key word. So when he was in town I got to hear about him. He's not who he was, and I don't think he will ever be the same again. I hope he is happy. I wonder how he feels about some of the things he's done in his life since meeting her? His move to Texas, his marriage with lack of a "party on the grooms side" and his current situation never seeing his own family or friends and from what I hear being submissive to every "thing" that is his wife.

He loved me once, didn't forgotten how to, and saw what he lost at some point with me. But I wished him well on his journey. I still do. Him being in town and me knowing made it hard. Making the choice to not attend the parties or dinners because I want him to be happy was harder. Having his family tell me it will never be the same without me in their lifes now was heart breaking enough. I love him as only I can love a man who was a friend before a lover, and a lover before he lost himself. I can only love as a friend, as a past, and as someone who will willingly forget where the future could have lead with me in his life. I wont interrupt his choice and her hatred for me because of her insecurities. I will wish Zane only the best. I hope he can move in love and grow in love and be the man he was as I knew him, for her. He has so much potential and maybe one day I'll be able to have a friend back in my life that was at one point so important to me.

This subject brought up more of my past then I care to deal with. My family loves to talk about my exs. If not Zane, then it's Nicole, if not Nicole it's Fox. I guess it's because I'm not out looking for anyone new. Like I need to be jumping into something new? Or dating right away? Do they expect me to ignore my body and it's feelings and just waste someone's time when I don't feel for them? No, I feel me being me is enough and how I handle my relationships should be respected.

I make choices in life that maybe friends or family don't understand. I have them for a reason. Reasons change according to the subject at hand. With exs it's pretty much almost a given. I choose to let go. I choose to ignore and find a space in my life that is mine. Not a town or a house or a spot... a location is not what I mean. I mean to find a piece in my brain and soul that belongs to me again. I share too much energy to ever really be alone and it takes time for me to shed others that have touched my life. Zane might be a very distant past in which I can look back on fondly if I forget the last few months we were together or the time after we parted. His energy took awhile to get rid of but it was 5 years worth. But now I just have memories... I have the time until I met Nicole.

Nicole was a different story altogether. A different feeling and energy, a different being and soul, a different sound wave in my musical world. We connected unlike anyone I've ever known to connect. I've seen love, I've felt love but this was more. This was the universe blessing both our lives with each other. It could be me feeling this one sided but I doubt it.

There is a moment when I find love and have to have it. An energy that passes through my being unlike anything I've felt before. It's at moments unknown and it doesn't take anything for it to happen. Just a glance in the right direction. I feel like the best way to closely relate to this would be when Jake from the novel "Twilight" (I hate that I'm doing this) explanes imprinting. It becomes your world, there is nothing else. Zane was a distant glance and a fire within that screamed "you will have him." And I did. He was across the football field at the high school when I saw him under a tree alone. I can remember what he was wearing and how I'd never felt a need to be close to someone so badly. I laughed and loved and learned and lost. He was my moment in that time. I tried after to feel, to ignite something with every potential person, man or woman, I met. I forced it. It never does any good. I need the time alone to find myself and become me before I offer the right energy to someone else. I can't jump from one person to the next, or not be alone. Unlike others I can be ok with remembering who I am. I came to a point where I had even chosen to move to an island to be back with Zane after we broke up, thinking the feeling wouldn't go away, when I saw her.

Nicole was an impression from the start. Sure I'd seen her before but it wasn't anything more then a simple gut crush that I knew I couldn't have. Like a ride you're too short to go on at the board walk, you just have to wait it out. HAHA, wow great explanation... So I gave it up, I gave her up. When I walked into the theatre at the high school 6 years later and saw her again, time didn't exist. Time was something you knew about from books but really it was never there. Irrelevant. It was different then my tug towards Zane. It was a will or a want... it was a need, a demand and a life support.

How could I ignore that and still move away? Not sure. Silly on my part really but maybe it was for the best. I moved to be with Zane. I left that feeling, that mind blurring feeling to be with what was comfortable. I knew when I thought about her, me being with someone else, that I couldn't keep it up. I moved home and there it was. A love worth trying for. I tired, I gave every thing in my being. My soul and energy passed freely unlike anything I've given to another before. There wasn't a moment when I felt I lived in a tunnel and at the end was Nicole. I'm sure maybe at some point I felt that for Zane. Maybe a need to hold on because he was my first, but comparing it's never the same.

Did I think about Zane? Yes. But only with the fondness I hadn't felt sine I met Nicole. I had tried to be with others, so it would never be the same again with him no matter how I might have tired to make it that way... I missed his friendship like I do most people that leave my life but I had someone more important to focus my effort on. It was then Zane wasn't in my universe anymore. I can remember when he was. I remember the pure desire to have him around and want nothing more then his attention. It became a crutch. I think after some time he began to make me feel I wasn't much without him. Forced me to put all the effort into the relationship because he couldn't. His hurt over his own life took hold. I missed when it was only laughs and butterflies of a first love. Where everything is so new and you'll never really have those first moments again. True you can be with someone new but you never get your "firsts" back...

Nicole became my sun. I think at that time I felt that love couldn't get any better then her. A love with romance and surprises. A love with support and little demand. Comfort and understanding. It was a love with ease, and did we argue? No, maybe, but never hurtful just misunderstanding that was soon worked out through.... communication. God forbid we know what that is like. We pushed each other to be better in all we did. It was like water. A dance of liquid really. We flowed... Most of all desire. I wonder if need might be a better word. Or want. Or eternity. I swear with everything that I might ever come to lose one day that not a day went by I didn't believe I had eternity at my fingertips. When she was at them... I know the month, the day, the year, the basic time, the place, every smell and sound at the moment that that had changed... Odd? Not really, but that's coming from me... I think most people can remember a turning point in time. I think people call it a "place of regret"... I don't regret, I just know when my world was on a different tilt.

I've been ok with a lot in my life. I take a lot and deal with a lot. Back and forth, mixed feelings, changes and small paths taken off the main road. I've dealt with emotional hurt, physical hurt, I've been spit on (literally) and yet I still stand here offering love. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love and hurt when love is lost for a long time. I take a lot of time being hurt and coming to understand it before I can move on. I still hurt from Fox. Only because there isn't a day when we weren't still maybe together? I tend to need someone to say it's over, I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, or be with someone else for me to know it's over. Sometimes that doesn't even feel like enough...

The Fox thing is still fresh. I mean a constant trying to understand where we are in each other's life's still goes on. I know we broke up but there is always that back and forth thing. We lived together, leased a house together, had bills together, insurance plans together, bank accounts together, and most of all Gibson together. It's hard to let all that go. I understand he is almost a replay of my relationship with Zane. He hurts because his own life isn't leading up to where he wants it to be. He takes it out on me and I stick around through the abuse because I don't give up on people. I want to be what makes someone happy. I hear randomly how he loves me still and I'm his only one. Then the next moment he's angry and hurt. I feel so bad for him and I put myself through hurt to try and be there. I know I'm like a type of beaten wife coming back for more. My emotional abuse is making me raw... Fox is a constant topic. Nothing new or to be weirded out about. It's hard living in the same town. I think it freaks him out knowing I'm moving. I know we planned on doing it together but I can't be held back much more. LA would have so much for him and for myself but if I need to continue to be me I might just need to go alone.

I think what bothers me about most topics of my exs are when other people randomly bring them up. I mean at the store or in passing. Every place where they thought about us together in that place at some point. Or even as randomly as the car wash. The Zane thing stopped after Fox. Finally after so long! That was a load off. It's nice to not think about him until he's brought up. He's not a figment in my mind ever unless placed there. I think because when I moved home and he was here we tried to be friend, and that didn't go so well. When I met Fox people knew, if they hadn't with Nicole already, that I was over him.

But really a few times a month someone brings up Nicole... Yah it's a lot... I make the choice not to be in the subject of her. I've closed that part of my life like I closed it with Zane. Maybe in a different way but none the less. I went through it with Zane but I think after Nicole it was a love everyone else could see. Maybe that's the case. Maybe it's frustrating to me to have it brought up because it was so noticeable to everyone else. Do fairy tales really happen? Do they fade? Will I finally be free of "you guys were perfect together!" "why don't you get back together?" "I always thought no matter what you were soul mates..." and lastly, the most loving and hurtful... "I could just see you having a family together, your kids...." that last one was recent. It actually kicked me back a few steps. Sure people thought Zane and I would have beautiful kids and I still get asked about if I'm actually with Fox or not and how cute we both are and comments about kids or marrige. But hearing it about Nicole that way tosses my elephant brain back. Back to a dream of a white house, a white room, a white bed, the smell of coffee and the laughter of children... Amazing how 6 years ago a dream I had could surface so quickly.

I ignore it all. I respect it all. I respect my situation and her situation. I don't continue the communication because of those situations. Like I did with Zane and like I tend to do with Fox still. What type of girlfriend would I be to have an ex lover be in my life when the current one was uncomfortable with it? What type of person would I be if I couldn't trust the others feelings towards me? The bad thing is.... It becomes an addiction. Oh a lovely addiction. I'm not addicted to anything. I have a hard time giving anything up because I don't crave much. So this is my addiction. How long can I go without responding? How many times will they talk to me before I break? My Fish still texts me after months. She is persuasive really and yet I just can't. I miss our relationship but if I can't have it all I wont hurt over it. I've learned that the hard way. Zane was a non stop druggy when it came to being in my life. That was more of a need not an addiction, to ignore and refuse. Nicole not so much. It's easy when you're unsure about feelings. When your in relationships and what has been said can change where things can stand. So addiction leads me to years of not speaking with someone. Do I miss them. Yes. I think that's how this started. Zane being in town, and me not speaking with Fox had my mom asking about Nicole.

Sure we tried to be friends. I'm always willing to try to be friends with my exs. But in reality being over her wasn't enough. I was with someone who found it uncomfortable. I thought I could make it work but I wanted to try and love someone new because I finally felt for another. It wasn't hard to stop talking to her. In fact it was a simple text that had me pushing her away. I don't think she will ever know how wrong she can be about a simple text. It was her fault that a friendship couldn't work and I took that as my dive into an easy addiction. I let the texts come in, how maybe inappropriate they were or how simple. I felt that it should have been ok to not be in each other's lives. Why wasn't it? I didn't need her there when I finally had something new. When I met her I didn't need Zane in my life. I shouldn't have been so important to her. Sure I was ready for a friendship, we had talked about that, but where my life was going and who she was when we last hung out had me not wanting her in my life for other reasons. It was almost absurd the messages I got and how I felt that things like that shouldn't be said. The actions were even worse. I was happy with someone else and I respected him, that's all. I'm sure it could be taken a different way but I was over it and there was no need for anything more. Then it became annoying. A point where I felt there was a hidden meaning in everything she said. More reason not to respond. And I mean come on I'm showing her respect as well. Being with someone new as well should make it easier to not be in my life or try to be. Yes we were great together, really great and maybe could be amazing friends, but over the last few years I was busy with someone else and being over everything Nicole. Not needing her around and not caring about a friendship that would have been pointless most of the time. I didn't want to deal with drama or feel I needed to "check in" because of bad dreams or "feelings". Maybe at one point that meant something to me but now not so much. Maybe some people should think about what their bodies are saying to them, what the sub-conscience might be telling you and figure themselves out more.

Sure there are parts of me that miss her. Maybe the relationship we had, and the eternity at my fingertips feeling. But a friendship? No... The last time we talked... almost two years ago... (wow been that long?) she wasn't anything I wanted in my life. A different person. In fact a turn off really. Nothing like the girl I loved with every cell in my body as she was. I didn't enjoy our time. I was misunderstood. The communication was wrong and the judgement and cockiness was too much for me. I felt she would never be who she was, that a different life grabbed hold of her and took over. I see it as being annoying thinking of time with her. I find her to be never satisfied in life, and with an LA mentality now. Not the humble almost shy girl I knew. I don't need to be impressed but that's how I felt I was being treated. Oh well. How do you say "her loss" in a nice way? Where it isn't cocky or about the ego? Where it isn't a regret or a piece of bait? How can I just say me being in her life or Zane's life or anyone's life would have favored them. Because I do care more for others then myself. I know Zane never got that about me and Nicole was the only one who helped me understand I wasn't the only one. And Fox... well I think Fox will never understand me, ever. I don't mean her loss in a bad way. Be in my life if you want to. I'm a great friend to have. Hell maybe it would answer questions or not. Maybe your wife will be ok with it someday. Or maybe you can stop assuming it's something when it's not and actually call like normal people do when they want to be friends. Until then maybe it's their loss, or my loss... Doesn't matter.

But... God do I remember that love. Besides all of that other stuff I remember love. HA! That's funny. It's in the Hard Rock menu... "Remember Love." I remember that idea of all or nothing. I don't know who wouldn't be able to handle that idea now. I think when I mention it to my mom that we don't talk and it would be nice to have her in my life, she thinks differently. When questioned I can mention it in passing like, "yah it would be cool to be her friend. Tell her to call me..." and I laugh about it. When I think about it I miss the person I met in 2006, that grew with me from that point. Not the person I see now. When I think of how others think of our love in the past I do miss that as well. A love like that cant be found in anyone. It is worked for. My energy can remember a bond and connection that maybe others saw. Something that was noticed and keeps them asking. Hell it isn't hard to forget. You kind of spend the rest of the time comparing your relationships to the better one you had in the past. Or I grab bits and pieces from each wanting to find that perfect someone. Maybe she is out there. Sure I'll say maybe "he" is out there but my "trying" with a guy didn't work so well so I'm not planning on that again anytime soon.

I think more so I wonder what it feels like to try to make that connection again. I wonder what rekindling and old flame feels like? One that was worth it. Even just sexually. There's nothing wrong with wondering in that subject. I wonder if you get that jump of butterflies? I wonder if it can still be as passionate? I'm sure it's different when both parties are single. When you don't actually worry about who might find out or how you will feel in the morning. So what would it be like now? I see the way my parents talk to each other now. I've heard both of them say the love is still there. After 17 years for them I just wonder what could happen. Just a side thought. You hear about people not being together for years and then it happens again and it was better then before. Would I be ok with my parents being back together? Sure, but I like the way it is now.

Anyway. My mom knows how different my love was for Zane and Nicole and Fox and those little ones in between. Everyone I'm sure knows. It's easy to compare to each of them on different levels with what I want now. My mom thinks I'm unhappy sometimes because I don't try to find love. I say I miss Zane or I miss Nicole it's me saying I miss points in my life where love was great and I felt complete. I say I miss Fox everyday even if I see him, but that's me saying I miss the old him. I think this is why people don't understand me. With Fox I feel on edge all the time. I don't know why I enjoy that. The psyche major in me screams that I love him because he turned into the asshole my father was when I was growing up. But the other part in me knows I just don't give up on people who are hurting. Zane was hurting and 2 years of trying had me ending it in tears, never being forgiven or trying for that perfection we both had potential for from Nicole had me walking away, and me never feeling accepted by Fox as the person I am had me awakening into a different life.

Loving Fox is easy. Actually it's a stupid thing on my part. He knows he can be an asshole because he always said he was but he wasn't like that to me. Now that he is I still love him very much and enjoy his company. I'm annoyed at not knowing what I am. We can spend days together in our home with our dog and he almost seems to be normal again. Then he makes plans and I end up not seeing him for awhile. I guess I'm supposed to be ok with that. I guess because I've been in limbo with relationships before I guess it's almost normal. But I crave the old ease we had. When he was happy. I was great to him, maybe amazing to him. I went above and beyond for him. Fuck I took the knowledge from Zane and all the best parts from Nicole and the things I've learned from others and was a wonderful girlfriend. I tried the romance thing that so easy to do for someone else, but I'm better at getting the romance back now. Well if I ever got anything close to romance in that relationship. But I was the best of what I've been with others and I took out the worst. It was easy because I trusted him and he was always faithful. Stupid of me to think a guy like that would respect the woman I am and what I'm capable of. I gave so much and got so little. Still I get very little even out of a friendship or whatever it is we have. Maybe it was a waste to put so much effort into it? I think my exs would have enjoyed it more then he did! HA! I grew up, I still grow. I've learned a lot and taken to heart a lot. I've been hurt and stepped on but I keep trying for a perfection I can reach. Not a big deal to hope you get your chance and what you want most.

We all wait for our turn at something. Wait to be famous in the industry, wait to be given the chance to be great, wait to love and be loved and all wondering when our efforts will be noticed. I want a love to lie down and be still for. Not a lot to ask even when I know it takes a lot on both parties. Zane was a man to be a good father and I saw that in him. He made me laugh and good family values. Nicole was everything I was never offered and Fox is the one to be trusted and have faith in. There are parts in each of them I grab and take with me in pockets of my heart hoping someone will fill those and I wont carry them any longer.

I will say this: my love for all of them will tear me apart but my love for Nicole is my greatest enemy. I believed for a long time no one else would ever deserve what I offered and I tried to bid my time until it was right. To present the lost and be founded again with all its glory. There was an unresolved time but my addiction kept me from figuring that out. Figuring out if FIF could have been real. I wouldn't have met Fox if I hadn't forced myself away from a hope or a dream that got dimmer and dimmer. I couldn't be the cause of lies, or cheating or regret anymore. Then with a friendship I still found it not as important. I could really put who I had become as a person, a girlfriend, a lover to the test and make something work when there wasn't drama attatched to it. With Fox there wasn't any of that. There still isn't. I never believed for a moment I couldn't trust him. He gave me what I always wanted, faithfulness and trust. I might be angry and his hurt, pain and ability to take it out on me no matter how I give and accept the punches. But I'm never not thankful for him in my life and the type of love I finally had with someone that I'd never known. I'm thank full for all of them. Maybe the next one I'll be thankful for as well for a different reason.

I don't try to understand how life plays out. Like I said... Even if only seen one sided I have never loved anyone like I loved her. Nor do I plan to until that "one" comes along. I came close with Fox but felt my efforts going unnoticed. I felt that I was giving 110% and not getting close to 50% back. So I just accepted how it all turned out. I know I want more then that. I might learn from others but I have to remember to be aware of my heart. It wouldn't be fair to them for me to put that much effort into it if I felt there wasn't any future. Maybe I can let someone back in but in reality I'm storing greatness for a love to be written about... If I could love anyone more then I loved her I would place a bet on my soul that the person I loved like that would die the same moment as me because they couldn't live another moment without me and I them. I thought for a long time if not Zane then no one, if not Nicole then no one, if not... then I am to be alone... But there is love I have love to give that goes untapped. I once saw my life played out and then I saw a different path. I then saw my life under my moon and then the sun rose. I once saw my life and I still haven't awoken...

How frail the human heart must be

A mirrored pool of thought.

311 Concert!

Last night I was in awe of my favorite band 311. The first time they've played in Tahoe since 2006 when they had a sell out show with Ziggy and the Whalers. For some reason when I was younger this was the only hip hop/ Reggae/ Ska/ Rock/ Etc band I could really get into. Having started in 1988 in a garage in Omaha, it didn't take long for them to amaze someone in the industry. With their powerful words and outlook on the world it was only a matter of time before a record was released and shows were selling out. In 2001 I was blessed to find my perfect song. In meaning and in my faith Amber could comfort me, heal me, fill me with mixed emotions and yet always bring me to a reality I forget I have. To this day I hear it and will cry. Performing it live had me in those tears of mixed emotions. So much can change in a lifetime yet there are things that can be one steady grip on life. I've had so many things change in the course of this past month let alone the last few years that hearing the familiar lick paused all stress and discomfort in my life and placed me back in a moment where life didnt matter it just was. The show was mind blowing. Covering almost one song from all of the 10 albums had people crowd surfing, moshing, elbowing to get a better view, and like me being filled with the joy of music.

I was stoked to see Chad Sexton preform a solo part (32 piece set) which I'm thinking of uploading even though I was dancing so much the film is shaky. He was soon joined by the other members in the group. Doubled on two extra kits, a 4 foot base drum being beating and two very large square symbols the band took a moment to impress the crowd. Below is the footage I got. Sorry the sound is not that great. I was so close the speakers were very intense. But what an amazing time! I can't upload Amber, there are parts you cant even hear because I couldn't film through my tears.

Enjoy!