Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
In the Spirit of the fight...
Wound it's way round your neck
And caused you to choke.
Old hope, made of rope,
That held you tight as the chair legs broke.
When they found you hanging in the wood,
You said at least now I don't have to be kind nor good.
I'll be cruel and I'll be obscene,
Tear out my tongue,
'Cause I've been redeemed.
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/florence_and_the_machine/tear_out_my_tongue_ye_olde_hope.html ]
Save my blushes for the grave,
No shy glance, no coy restraint,
And I won't hang my head,
And I won't repent,
Won't face the wall and count to ten
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...
Well they tore you down
And they tore out your tongue,
And they made you kneel
For all the things that you'd done.
But you wouldn't cry,
You wouldn't beg,
You just screamed
And tore out your teeth instead.
Latino Kick
Monday, January 23, 2012
Whiskey Mouth
Monday, January 16, 2012
Bring me back to 1959!
I just downloaded this CD! It's going to be on repeat for awhile. I've been in love with Buddy Holly since I was little. Since I am my dad's second set of children I grew up with the classics )him being a lot older then my mother). The men and women that changed music in our history forever. No doubt in my mind if he would have lived he would have been a force not to reckon with. A true musical genus of the age. I remember Buddy above almost all musicians played in my house. My father, an old musician himself, had him playing at all times day or night. I think the older he got the more it brought him back to an age that made him feel like he had the world at his fingertips. My dad and I agree on a lot of things but music is our top topic. I like to load his nano (a gift from me for his 66th b-day) with some of the best. He likes to have it at the college with him and during his office hours he blasts classic rock music, quite to the students passing amusement. I can't wait to load this CD on there too. 
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Grrrrrrrr!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Run it into the ground!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Speak
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Universe Speaks!
It's funny how with carrying the "quest" (I wrote about earlier) around with me today I actually had some things answered. I hung out with a friend today after my morning post. Hours at a coffee shop and some good talk. I don't get time to just sit and talk a lot so this was highly needed. We made sure to cover above and beyond in the little time we had in our subjects. Family, friends, relationships, and then more into depth of the human mind and actions. It’s nice to talk with someone when they have the same experiences as you, and have their own wisdom to share. An outlook that later might help you make a better decision in your own life path.
My phone went off and it was the boy. Hadn't heard from him in awhile and so upon departing my friend with some ever positive feelings and left over laughter on my face I went and met up with him.
For a long time I have felt that me being me around him was always so judged. When I wrote this morning it was mostly about him and people in general. I try to make things broad but really it comes down to something I'm going through. With the boy our parting ways was because of how we think differently on life. What we find is good and bad are VERY different. I’ve noticed he has a lot of judgment in his eyes for life in general. Not just me. His outlook is sometimes very pessimistic. Where as I’ve always been a free spirit and my love of life and positive outlook has had me aways accepting the things in life most turn their backs on.
Turns out the major love we have for one another isn't always enough to hold together the things we want. Our upbringings are different and so we as human beings are shown different paths. Where we step and what we see will be ten times different than the person who seems to walk right next to you.
When I saw him I couldn't help but smile. He has a smile that when shown lightens up the room. I had gotten us both dinner and cooked it at the cabin. He is not a man of many words, he is more a man of actions. So when he spoke to me I couldn't help but be absorbed in him. The way he is, and how I feel about him, is so different then the way I feel towards women. With him I'm grabbing at air, I can't put a finger on him most times. With women I can grasp at something, hold on and find the perfect way to communicate with them. Something that means more to me in a relationship then most will understand. My actions with him have him backing away. The way I am around people, very out going and very comfortable with whomever I'm with seemed to upset him. It makes him feel like I’m not being me. I am being me and me is being ok in whatever situation I’ve been put into. I enjoy life and enjoy the people I meet, why not learn from every moment? But his baby blues are constantly trying to figure me out always came down to the judgement instead of seeing more to me. Instead of being proud to be with a person like me. Seeing my actions as always good. I guess with a pessimistic outlook on life that is what happens.
So he spoke, I listened. He wanted to get to know me again as he has said before but never took the time to do. But this time wanted to take his time. Understanding I've never done anything wrong but that he can be the way he is and his actions can be taken wrong. It's the truth with anyone really. It's communication! So I took it as a sign that I had been speaking about him (which if this hadn't happened I wouldn't have said so but it's funny how the universe works) this morning and to finally hear the words of non-judgement was enlightening. To take the time to see me again as a person. To be sorry for the anger and to be sorry for the actions that hurt me deeply. I wear my heart on my sleeve and give, give, give! So small actions or not seeing the little things I do mean SO much took me for a spin. Had me questioning every move I made. Even now I will stop and think of what others have thought of me in the past and try to do better by them. For some reason thinking their way was or is the right way. I try to remember we don’t know right from wrong. A young age as this proves our mistakes time and time again as we live day by day.
The boy only hears things in rumor, when sadly it is always ONLY rumor. Not even bad ones, silly ones really, but his line of thought is so different then most that he takes it to the wrong degree. Again misunderstanding. Tonight he was able to call me a good person. A great person, one of the greatest he’s ever met. My actions are always pure and good. (This part was almost hard to hear). He was finally being honest. I stated about “secret feelings” because I know he loves me completely. I can see through the “man front” he puts up, or when he acts differently around other people then when it is just us. This is me knowing “what is running around inside you” even if you can’t be honest with yourself! That and I get to hear my own set of rumors. He misses me and loves me, that he just doesn’t seem the same when I’m not around, etc. As a person I feel for him still. I feel the need to comfort and support. To take away the bad and continue to give as much as I can even if I don’t have much to give.
The best part, I didn’t force it from him! Not that I would try, ever! But it gets frustrating when you know the true feelings about someone’s feelings towards you but the honesty isn’t there to admit them. He held me and told me so many things I had been needing to hear for so long. As a person, a friend, as an old lover, I needed to know I wasn’t wrong in my actions. He could finally say he was an “asshole” and if I’m ok with that he’s probably always going to be like that but he would try not to take it out on me when he was upset about something that has nothing to do with me.
I don’t think he will ever understand that I am so much more. He doesn’t dig deep enough for that. With people I guess. With music it’s another story. But when only he has been moved to tears with his art he made sure to move me with tears.
He was able to see that what he thought of me wasn’t an honest thing to think. He was missing out on me being in his life because of this. When really I’ll be there for you no matter the cost. Sometimes to my own unhappiness. I’ve written about him keeping his feelings hidden before. I don’t state it’s about him but I guess I don’t like to admit I’ve let myself be judged by someone I loved for so long. I don’t like to let on that it wasn’t the greatest of experiences. Yet all at the same time it has been wonderful too. Where the good and the bad have been almost even. Yes I know good should surpass bad at all times, but I take the time to at least think about my actions. What if I really am in the wrong? I deserve this pain to change who I am for the better. But at the end of that I changed and for no reason at all. I’m still a good person and make good choices. I’m not who I was, I’ve grown up a lot and my past actions seem foolish now, but I’m sure we look back at our lives and sometimes go “why did I DO that?”, “did I really think THAT was ok?!”. He has been what helps me forget the past with everyone else. But has been what makes me always remember the past with him. So tonight he was able to confront his wrongs and be himself. As hard as it might be for him to open up like that he finally did it! A weight has been lifted from my chest.
I DO offer truth. Forever you will have undying truth in love with the honesty you can present me. He has done his part in being honest. My soul and mind have been given these small gifts that make my heart flutter. To know one less person of importance doesn’t judge me and can truly accept me as I am is another small but important step in my life. Again small but always important. Anyone who knows me well has known I’ve been wanting this action to come for a long time, that I needed it really. Hopefully I wont have to write about secret feelings or being judged for awhile. At least by him that is. I’m sure people will continue to judge me, and if they do I will continue to be open to their honesty in hope of changing their minds. If not, I’m ok with that. I just don’t want to ever burden anyone with the faults they see in me, something that unnecessary isn’t meant to carry around. I’d rather there be truth and honest words spoken before actions are taken in any form.
As a general statement just speak, to hear a voice can be so much more to the body and mind when you can hear feelings behind it. When you can hear truth.
Monday, January 9, 2012
NOTE
Dance on ice to the sunrise
This morning I woke to my name being called. This happens often. The woman's voice waking me around 4 AM. I know most don't believe in these such things and I understand the judgement against my own beliefs. However when you get close to me, a close I've only let a few feel then they become more understanding. They've seen for themselves I have more to offer. I hope after they fear not of what lies in the darkness, for I've shown them more light where only they've seen shadows.
I have been trying to change my sleeping pattern. It hasn't been working, so I watch the sun go down and rise again before I feel the desire to sleep takes over. But my dreams have been pushing me to be awake for the sun for some reason. I never question, I just do. So I forced myself to continue to sleep through the night and when the voice woke me I had been dreaming of bright colored blinds. Boys building a new roof to a barn in the afternoon sun. The smell of hay, sweet grass and musk surrounded me. I felt warm and when I woke I knew I wouldn't sleep again.
Dressing in the dark I piled on layers with a drive to greet the day. I could hear them outside my window and smiled to myself. I don't speak much of what I hear or see, but that doesn't mean people don't notice when I'm in another moment in time. Play it off as day dreaming when really I'm listening, absorbing life from lives past.
Hot chai filled me as I saw the lining of blue morning. Leaving the house I went to where the water could almost consume me. I AM Water. I AM Winter. I AM Zest. This day brings all of those together and in the slight beginning of it I walked upon frozen grass to the pier. I hear it crunch softly under me. The air was still and smelt of laughter. I could feel energy of the beasts before I saw them. The yelps and yips of the coyotes running along the beach stopped when they saw me. I had ruined their play. They had been chasing the ducks and geese from their slumber on the water's edge to force them into the chill of the lake. I'm sure none of them really thought they'd catch one for breakfast. So we stood and starred at each other until they began to play again. Biting at each other, open mouths fighting sharp teeth until they ran into morning.
The pier made no sound as I walked slowly to the end. How many times had I been here? How many times had I sat there and watched life for hours pass? How many times did I think about who had carved their names into the wood where I sat? I smiled slightly at the part in the wood where I had carved my name along with another a long time ago. I tilted my head to the voice as I starred at it. It was there, and would be there like any other, becoming like a natural knot in a tree trunk. I caught myself chewing on my lip while memories engulfed me. Some warming and some like frozen air seeping into a warm bed. Clear the past, fight the deamons and be here for the now and the greeting of Power.
I faced East and sat, waiting as the sky lightened. I heard her voice then and shook my head free of her. When I heard her again I knew it wasn't the voice I thought it was and glancing to my right I looked to an opening of sky. Over there, that's where. I got up and almost raced my spirits as if I would miss it. The Water no matter how it calls to me does call. And this morning Water was in its solid form.
Stop, stop where you are in life and remember to see. There world offers more then anything else can. A loving family, friends, dreams come true, it is all below par to the amount of joy you can receive from taking in your own life. No matter how good or bad it can be, if you stop and really look you will remember that it could be worse. There the sky was many shades of blues. The clouds that hadn't been there before appeared pink and yellow. Again more of the element Water then Air. Water as a gas form. Another strength filled me and I felt the smile on my frozen cheeks. I let out the breath I had been holding and sniffed my runny nose. I had only moments before the sun came upon the horizon. I heard the birds awaken and and watched the Mud Hens slowly travel in the water near the ice's edge.
Yes this moment is yours, take it in and gather Power from the day, you will need it soon. The voice was mine but not. I'll need the Power soon? Again I don't question I do. So taking in the moment I began to enjoy sliding across the ice the thrill had me laughing out loud into the stillness of dawn. Was I alone in this joy? Did others take the time to do this? Do they still? I looked around and saw no one. I was alone... at least on the ice. I knew inside the homes there were people waking to the day, their fires burning into the dawn, filling the scent of air with that of Winter. An odd Winter for that matter. It filled me with peace still. I danced on the ice, playing like a child, the way I used to behind my house on winter afternoons. I heard the sound of memories. The cut of my ice skates in the ice, ssssskkkkaaaaa sssssskkkkkaaaaa sssssskkkkkaaaaaa. I could smell the fire from the house and felt the fear from my sister's hand as I pulled her along my side. How long had it been since I walked on the ice? Really enjoyed the moment for that matter. Last winter I stood upon it, more for testing reasons then enjoyment. This time I couldn't stop smiling. When I stopped I watched the sky fill with day and I heard her again. I missed you...
I missed her too, I missed them all. But Goddess you must know I carry you in body, mind and soul everyday. I ask for your wisdom and guidance day by day and your protection for not only myself but my loved ones near and far. I heard her again. I missed you still...
I closed my eyes and gathered Spirit, and thanked my Goddess and thanked my element Water. I blessed my day for myself and others. Remembered I was given so much yet I ask for nothing. Though I might not understand my path I'm open to where it leads me. Walking only with strength of understanding. When in times I question myself and let the material world sink in I go back to that place where I know it will never matter in the end as long as I've personally enjoyed where I walked. Enjoyed my "now" at every moment. Opening my eyes I saw something caught in the ice. It surprised me and enlightened me with a quest for the day. It was a piece of paper, blank except for the date and a quote, oddly enough.
"Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it- what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone." - Carlos Castaneda
Interesting is it not? I try to live without judgement or to be bothered with what people think about me. If they can say what they feel to my face, maybe I have the chance to change their minds. Their outlook on me through rumor and misunderstanding. If they don't they will never know me. Never know I don't go out of my way to be mean, or cruel, or harsh. That I don't think unkind things and I never hate. It goes both ways however. Good and bad. If you choose to keep your secret feelings about me to yourself, you will never know the extent into the good I could give back. An honesty and trust you will have never known before. Something you will miss out on if you deny the truth within you. If you want to know me for the first time or again it is simple. Really an action on your part is all I need. I might feel and understand what runs around inside you but I wont be there to force it from you. In time maybe you will see I'm not what you think and confront me, or maybe you will be ready to be in my life and understand I am more then meets the eyes and you will forever have undying truth in love, however that might be.
And with Zest I walked off the ice absorbing light because it's been too long since I last squinted my eyes at the brightness of day.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I'm sleeping at 11
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Going to the movies
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The NAMM Show
December 29, 2011
Michael Sherman
Kelsey!!! How are you? Merry Christmas. I'm going to the NAMM show this year. Have you ever been??? I have an extra ticket, but there is a catch, lol. I'm looking for someone who can house me down there for the weekend. Know any friends? Not exactly a concert, but I miss hanging with you and it would be great to catch up! The show is jan 19-22. Let me know if you might want to go!
December 30, 2011
Michael Sherman
Haha, sorry, I didn't do a very descriptive job of explaining this. The NAMM show is an annual music trade show. It's the biggest trade show in the world, and every famous player and person in the music industry is there to play all the new gear that is being released for the new year. It's an invite-only show. Ticket have to be gotten from a company or band involved. At night the companies throw parties and you get to mingle with the celebs. During the day there are concerts and clinics going on all day. It's really epic. I've always wanted to go, and this year I scored two tickets, woo!!!
The show is in Anaheim. I will be flying into Anaheim from new York, with no ride, and no place to stay.
Lol so! I'm trying to find someone to stay with and house me near Anaheim, in exchange for a ticket to the show. You would be great company, and it will be a real fun trip. Let me know your thoughts!
Can I just say I'm super bummed I couldn't go to this?! I worked and even my editor asked me to go so I could write a review on it. I missed it again. I'm sooooo going next year! Thanks Mike for being an amazing friend with the same (totally more) musical passion as me!
