The night has consumed me for so long. A bitter pleasure I might add. I've been a child of night for a long as I can remember. Feeling ever more comfortable in my darkness, that is my light. It's not morbid or Dark. It's where I find myself close to the witching hour and in that otherworld. It's where I touch what most never see. I'm closer to what drives me through life. Where the world is still, music is softer, made of only instruments. Voices are softly heard if they are heard at all. Most of them I confuse with the spirits that dance at my sides. They giggle to soft notes of piano and strings. I feel them wisp about me, touching the skin on my face, kissing me softly. They tug me along in the dark where my eyes see and I feel more because the world sleeps. Energy is stronger at night. It's guided by the Moon. Energy from the Sun is more closely related to that of Power, so most fail to use the temple of the human body like a sponge for more than Power. They don't walk in the night and soak up Power for the Soul. My Moon and my Stars are my Life Source. I feel more when I look at the Moon and ask for answers to my questions in my dreams. I don't mind the feeling of there being something "more" in the room with me. Most fear what they can't see. But take in mind Evil does not seek out those who choose good. Evil seeks those who choose to dwell in what Evil offers them. So when I seek peace, I seek it with the spirits that fill me with joy and remind me of goodness. The fear most feel, I run to, knowing the energy and allow it to wrap itself around me. The fog-like feeling of mist on my skin makes me smile. It's what wakes me as the sun goes down. The soft song opens my eyes like others wake to the smell of coffee. I hear the choir outside my window. A night song I hear so well. It's a musical really, one I've written about before. But after the musical ends, where the coda brings life to a close, my night time choir starts again and it's a song of Spirits.
This morning I woke to my name being called. This happens often. The woman's voice waking me around 4 AM. I know most don't believe in these such things and I understand the judgement against my own beliefs. However when you get close to me, a close I've only let a few feel then they become more understanding. They've seen for themselves I have more to offer. I hope after they fear not of what lies in the darkness, for I've shown them more light where only they've seen shadows.
I have been trying to change my sleeping pattern. It hasn't been working, so I watch the sun go down and rise again before I feel the desire to sleep takes over. But my dreams have been pushing me to be awake for the sun for some reason. I never question, I just do. So I forced myself to continue to sleep through the night and when the voice woke me I had been dreaming of bright colored blinds. Boys building a new roof to a barn in the afternoon sun. The smell of hay, sweet grass and musk surrounded me. I felt warm and when I woke I knew I wouldn't sleep again.
Dressing in the dark I piled on layers with a drive to greet the day. I could hear them outside my window and smiled to myself. I don't speak much of what I hear or see, but that doesn't mean people don't notice when I'm in another moment in time. Play it off as day dreaming when really I'm listening, absorbing life from lives past.
Hot chai filled me as I saw the lining of blue morning. Leaving the house I went to where the water could almost consume me. I AM Water. I AM Winter. I AM Zest. This day brings all of those together and in the slight beginning of it I walked upon frozen grass to the pier. I hear it crunch softly under me. The air was still and smelt of laughter. I could feel energy of the beasts before I saw them. The yelps and yips of the coyotes running along the beach stopped when they saw me. I had ruined their play. They had been chasing the ducks and geese from their slumber on the water's edge to force them into the chill of the lake. I'm sure none of them really thought they'd catch one for breakfast. So we stood and starred at each other until they began to play again. Biting at each other, open mouths fighting sharp teeth until they ran into morning.
The pier made no sound as I walked slowly to the end. How many times had I been here? How many times had I sat there and watched life for hours pass? How many times did I think about who had carved their names into the wood where I sat? I smiled slightly at the part in the wood where I had carved my name along with another a long time ago. I tilted my head to the voice as I starred at it. It was there, and would be there like any other, becoming like a natural knot in a tree trunk. I caught myself chewing on my lip while memories engulfed me. Some warming and some like frozen air seeping into a warm bed. Clear the past, fight the deamons and be here for the now and the greeting of Power.
I faced East and sat, waiting as the sky lightened. I heard her voice then and shook my head free of her. When I heard her again I knew it wasn't the voice I thought it was and glancing to my right I looked to an opening of sky. Over there, that's where. I got up and almost raced my spirits as if I would miss it. The Water no matter how it calls to me does call. And this morning Water was in its solid form.
I went to the dock and looking down tested the ice with one foot. I could feel it was solid, I could feel power in my element and did not fear as I took my first steps on the slick and frozen water. In patches I could see almost a foot of solid ice, forming forever captured frost art. Dark and clear I could see the bottom of the lagoon, the plants that lived were still. Might as well be dead in the lifeless water below the ice. Though Water is Life it is also an underestimated Death. I blessed the element and continued to the opening in the lagoon that was large enough for the pontoons and smaller ship vessels to pass into the lake. I watched each step, seeing everything I could, not wanting to miss what I can not see in the dark. But when I looked up I had the familiar moment where my breath was stolen from me.Stop, stop where you are in life and remember to see. There world offers more then anything else can. A loving family, friends, dreams come true, it is all below par to the amount of joy you can receive from taking in your own life. No matter how good or bad it can be, if you stop and really look you will remember that it could be worse. There the sky was many shades of blues. The clouds that hadn't been there before appeared pink and yellow. Again more of the element Water then Air. Water as a gas form. Another strength filled me and I felt the smile on my frozen cheeks. I let out the breath I had been holding and sniffed my runny nose. I had only moments before the sun came upon the horizon. I heard the birds awaken and and watched the Mud Hens slowly travel in the water near the ice's edge.
Yes this moment is yours, take it in and gather Power from the day, you will need it soon. The voice was mine but not. I'll need the Power soon? Again I don't question I do. So taking in the moment I began to enjoy sliding across the ice the thrill had me laughing out loud into the stillness of dawn. Was I alone in this joy? Did others take the time to do this? Do they still? I looked around and saw no one. I was alone... at least on the ice. I knew inside the homes there were people waking to the day, their fires burning into the dawn, filling the scent of air with that of Winter. An odd Winter for that matter. It filled me with peace still. I danced on the ice, playing like a child, the way I used to behind my house on winter afternoons. I heard the sound of memories. The cut of my ice skates in the ice, ssssskkkkaaaaa sssssskkkkkaaaaa sssssskkkkkaaaaaa. I could smell the fire from the house and felt the fear from my sister's hand as I pulled her along my side. How long had it been since I walked on the ice? Really enjoyed the moment for that matter. Last winter I stood upon it, more for testing reasons then enjoyment. This time I couldn't stop smiling. When I stopped I watched the sky fill with day and I heard her again. I missed you...
I missed her too, I missed them all. But Goddess you must know I carry you in body, mind and soul everyday. I ask for your wisdom and guidance day by day and your protection for not only myself but my loved ones near and far. I heard her again. I missed you still...
I closed my eyes and gathered Spirit, and thanked my Goddess and thanked my element Water. I blessed my day for myself and others. Remembered I was given so much yet I ask for nothing. Though I might not understand my path I'm open to where it leads me. Walking only with strength of understanding. When in times I question myself and let the material world sink in I go back to that place where I know it will never matter in the end as long as I've personally enjoyed where I walked. Enjoyed my "now" at every moment. Opening my eyes I saw something caught in the ice. It surprised me and enlightened me with a quest for the day. It was a piece of paper, blank except for the date and a quote, oddly enough.
"Self-importance is our greatest enemy. Think about it- what weakens us is feeling offended by the deeds and misdeeds of our fellowmen. Our self-importance requires that we spend most of our lives offended by someone." - Carlos Castaneda
Interesting is it not? I try to live without judgement or to be bothered with what people think about me. If they can say what they feel to my face, maybe I have the chance to change their minds. Their outlook on me through rumor and misunderstanding. If they don't they will never know me. Never know I don't go out of my way to be mean, or cruel, or harsh. That I don't think unkind things and I never hate. It goes both ways however. Good and bad. If you choose to keep your secret feelings about me to yourself, you will never know the extent into the good I could give back. An honesty and trust you will have never known before. Something you will miss out on if you deny the truth within you. If you want to know me for the first time or again it is simple. Really an action on your part is all I need. I might feel and understand what runs around inside you but I wont be there to force it from you. In time maybe you will see I'm not what you think and confront me, or maybe you will be ready to be in my life and understand I am more then meets the eyes and you will forever have undying truth in love, however that might be.
And with Zest I walked off the ice absorbing light because it's been too long since I last squinted my eyes at the brightness of day.
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