But my memory is long and filled with the words I say. With my own promises and that of others. Most wonder how I remember the things I do. It's not my mind that does it, it's my body. I'll remember a feeling for the rest of my life. However the way I think about that feeling will change after time.
The final hours in the day and I'm still over come with emotions. It's not me. After all this time why can't you see it's really not my choice?! I do it for you, for them. You made me do this. You don't deserve me right now. I guess they do and that's why I make this choice. It's safer don't you see? You'll never understand and it's something YOU will have to live with not me. You will float through time as content as most. But when this choice is changed how you will walk on unsteady ground. Most days it doesn't bother me. Most days aren't today. Most days I don't recall important promises. Why I care id beyond me. I care in no other way, but to keep my soul on track.
Blocks from my house. The air is cold and I'm making excuses. There will be a sign if it is to happen.
....The lights at the gas station go off and the one light left outside is the one above the payphone. REALLY? There are still payphones? Damn it, that was it, my sign.
I pulled in and stepped into the cold air. I stood starring at it. When was the last time I used one of these? I used to always carry change as a child just in case. I used to love the click it made and the obnoxious dial tone. I used to think when I put my ear up to it and listened hard I could hear other people's thoughts who had used it before me. As I got older I wondered how dirty the person was before me, as I'd wipe the phone down with my sleeve. Does 1 800 COLLECT still work? Does that nice lady still come on and help you? I bet my parents would still get pissed if I called them collect even for fun.
I picked up the ear piece. Damn it worked. It took 50 cents. WHAT? I don't need a payphone but 50 cents? Really? No wonder bums ask to use your phone. Well that was it I didn't carry change. I dropped the phone down and smiled at the familiar clink it made. Got in my car and there in the cup holder were two shiny quarters. Fuck My Life. Out in the cold again I put the two quarters in. I double checked the number hoping that my memory would tell me I forgot it. I didn't. It was the same.
Don't pick up, don't pick up, wait who would pick up and unknown caller? No one. Voice mail. An odd voice mail message at that. Stupid. Really stupid. I didn't even think about what to say because I didn't want to say anything. Sometimes I want to open my mouth. Oh the things I could say to release this burden from my hands. It was my own choice not to have contact, I HATE breaking my own rules. I know what comes of breaking my rules. The tight rope has a a deeper dip when I walk across it. But it doesn't help when I know what they want. There is a craving I feel from them. I need. A want. Whatever the meaning between us two is still unknown but it lies there lie a carcass under the desert sun. All day, every call or message a slight hope it's me. You look at your phone hoping, wanting that gut pulling feeling when you see it's me. It's addicting isn't it?
I still feel you. I know when it calls out at me. I didn't absorb you for no reason. However in the end I shouldn't have absorbed so much. Say what you will, it doesn't change what is really going on in you. No matter how you try to change it physically it will always feel the same. I know the dreams, I know your worry, I know when I'm on your mind. A few months back it drove you insane. More so then, then it has in a long time... I can promise you it wont stop. You will always feel that way towards me. You will do what you can to self satisfy, however it might destroy you. You find pleasure in it. Imagine what the real thing is like. Imagine what I'm like now.
You might not even get the massage. Maybe you will. If you do you can deal with it as you will. You might look at your phone and do what every other person does with an unknown call. It was me wanting to keep my promise, in a way, that I made. Trying not to be angry with myself... I didn't have much to say anyway. Just...
Happy Birthday.
No comments:
Post a Comment