Post Opp

Oh lord, I look back on the past few blogs and I hate myself. Mostly because of being in a stressful situation (since the end of June) and add on a few drinks to that, my blogs became banter. Banter with myself. Dramatic banter maybe. Yes the situation and how I felt about most of it is all true. Surgery is VERY scary. More so because I had a friend die from minor surgery on his ankle. Blood clot to his heart.

I'll never forget the first time I saw a dead body. I'll never forget how in love with the situation I was and how I hated myself for it. How I remember playing football with him. Oh how he could run! His smile and how he picked on me. How he laughed. I remember his hugs and the sweetness of his cologne. Fast forward to him with another friend of mine and how she smiled because of him. I remember how he held her. I remember the energy. The love. I remember his proposal to her.

So there in the sun drenched church was his lifeless body, and his "was soon to be wife" crying to my left. He was pale and beautiful. As if sleeping. I could see the make up, smell it. I could smell the oils they rubbed on him to keep him looking fresh. I felt the people around me. I knew when it had been the first time they saw a dead body too. It was a jolt of fear almost. Sometimes a wave of sickness. I felt that from them. They went back to their seats quickly. Others would gaze. Transfixed almost. Taking a little longer to get back to their seats. But me... I wanted his eyes to open. To see his baby blues again. I knew they would be white and foggy. I knew he wouldn't sit up in greet us like a sick joke. I knew they had cut the spine and all major limbs to keep him from curling in death.

I remember talking to him in my mind. Amused that he spoke back with his sweet and kind voice. I saw her to my left still crying. I knew she would love again. Someone very close to her. I don't know how I knew, maybe he told me. It would hurt more then anything in the world to not have him there until then. (She ended up marrying his best friend a little over a year later. I know he would have been happy with that.)

A break up is different then death. I had been through one and couldn't imagine not being able to just hear her voice. It was then that when I looked back at the death before me it wasn't as pleasant. He was a reminder of how thankful I was to have the people I loved in my life. To hear a voice, to feel a touch, to have a moment longer. I wanted to touch him, to give him that moment. I went back to my seat instead.

So when I look back on what I said yes it was scary. Yes I had to wait after to hear if I was healthy. But I think the way it came out would have been taken to a higher standard then it should have been. In fact I know it did. I have the email to prove it. So I took them down. For now. Maybe I'll go back and edit them. In a clear frame of mind.

There was detail I didn't need in there as well. I know I said I wanted to be open and honest more in my writing. So I will be. But the things I really want to say will have to be read later. A book perhaps? Oh not to mention most of what I wrote didn't make any fucking sense! Spelling and grammar errors. Lame on my part. I know better. Really I do. Most people know I'm a decent writer.

So I'm sorry. Yes, I had my first surgery. Yes I had a cancer scare. Yes it is always a big deal, but really I'm a touch cookie. I didn't need to be bothered with drama in the aftermath. Second hand information can make you look foolish. Just saying.